The Roller Coaster Ride

My personality type is Melancholy and Choleric.  I like details, planning, organizing, and being in complete control, especially when there is a problem that needs "fixin".  This innate drive to "take control" and "do something" often leaves me worn out! The constant planning, rationalizing, thinking, and "doing" makes me stressed, tired, and cranky.  I might lash out at others for no apparent reason and I toss and turn at night, unable to sleep because my mind is constantly racing on my need to stay in control and think of what I need to do next in order to fix it.   Despite all of this stress, the thought of giving up control causes me to shudder!  I realize that I could relinquish my control and the problem to another person, therefore releasing the burden and responsibility, but I usually don't trust anyone else.  I don't have confidence that they will do it right or the way I want it done, therefore I hold on tight to the problem.  In fact, I hold onto it so tight, my knuckles will start to turn white.  There have been situations in which I did give up control, only to snatch it right back because I didn't like how he or she was doing it.  Are there any other control freaks out there?

 

Maybe that's what you're experiencing with God--not trusting Him enough to completely let go of your problems and allowing Him to be in control.  I will never forget the day God asked me to "let go" of the white knuckle grip I had on my infertility problem(s).  I was terrified!   It was like being on a roller coaster and slowly climbing my way up the steep hill and seeing the ground below me inching away...a sudden silence loomed in the air...my stomach was in my throat and my thoughts were all jumbled with fear, excitement, worry, and nervousness...

As I sat at the top of the roller coaster, about to make my stomach dropping decent into God's arms, I remember thinking that I couldn't do it.  I needed to just try "one more thing".  I had more confidence in my ability than I did in God's ability.  How ridiculous is that thought?  I knew I needed to get over my fear of what would happen if I wasn't in control and I knew I needed to trust that His way was better, but I couldn't.  What if He didn't catch me?  What if letting go of my control meant my dream of becoming a mother would eventually die?  Who would protect my dream if I'm not the one holding onto it?  What if He made me wait five more years? I was able to trust God with my family, health, and finances, but could I trust Him with my dreams?  Could I give Him everything?  I knew in my head that God could be trusted with everything, but my heart was singing a different tune.

Letting go of something so precious evokes anxious feelings that beckon hopelessness, and defeat. But God promises that in Him we find HOPE and VICTORY.

It was because of this difference that I realized for my own spiritual growth, I needed to let go.  I needed to know in my heart and not just in my head that God could be trusted with everything.  I needed to know that He would protect my dreams and flood me with feelings of peace and hope as I stepped into the unknown.  I needed to let go and let God, so I took that free-falling drop into His arms...

Errr....Ummmm...so I thought (sigh. head down in shame).  Months afterwards, I realized that I was still trying to do "little" things here and there in order to help God.  (I was a little arrogant and still thought He needed some assistance even though my heart was telling me He didn't)  I fooled myself into thinking I had given my problems to Him, but in reality, I had never actually "let go".  I had reached to the top of the roller coaster and extended the problem to Him, but I kept a few fingers on it still.  I never actually threw my hands up in the air and experienced the rush of the first drop.

It's hard for God to work on our problems if we are still in possession of it, because when our sticky fingers are on it, even a pinky finger, we are still thinking of ways to "do something".  We are still trying to control.

 

The "little" things I did as God's "assistant" included praying according to what I wanted, how I wanted it, and when I wanted it done.  I  called upon Dr. Google and researched PCOS until the cows came home.  I read and studied books on infertility more than I read the Bible.  I drank nasty smoothies and disgusting glasses of Okra water (Dr. Google said it would help with blood sugar). I talked to others about my situation more than I talked to God.  I declared scripture with the mindset that if I say "this", than God would HAVE to answer my prayers (I look back at this now and laugh at how silly my thought process was at the time).  When I did pray and read my Bible, I did it with the thought that I NEEDED to, or else God wouldn't bless me (once again, silly thought.  God doesn't bless us on how good we are...faith is what pleases Him).  Does this sound like the actions of a person who has "let go"?  Yea...not so much.  I had "loosened" my grip, bu was still too scared to let go of it entirely.

 "The Lord knows all human plans; he knows they are futile (pointless). ~Proverbs 94:11

 

Everything I did was pointless.  It was all in my own efforts, ability, and strength and it all produced nada, nothing, zilch, zip a dee doo dah.  All the planning, thinking, rationalizing, and controlling left me with nothing but bitterness, heartache, and disappointment.  I realized I was still sitting at the top of the roller coaster ride filled with anxiety, and I had to make the choice of either staying stuck at the top, or taking the plunge and letting it all go.  I needed to let go of my idea of "perfect timing" and trust that God's timing was best.  I needed to once again take that first drop...yikes!

So I finally did it! I told God I was releasing my control and problems of infertility to Him.  I was done spinning my wheels and trying to "do something".  I was even done with doing the "little somethings" I had foolishly been denying.  I prayed out loud that I was going to put all my eggs (fertility humor) into His basket and trust that He would not only protect my dream of being a mommy, but that He would bring it into fruition.   I'll be honest, saying this prayer caused my stomach to go into my throat.  I could barely swallow as I grabbed firmly to the safety bar in front of me that was God's promises.

After the big drop, the huge prayer I prayed, I thought the hard part was over; but now I find myself traveling through the underground tunnel of the roller coaster ride in which visibility has been reduced to zero.  I have no way of knowing what twists and turns are up ahead. I have NO control over how or when I will get pregnant.  But even though I don't like it and I can't see, I am enjoying this thrill ride!  My hands are up in the air, my hair is going crazy, and I have a sense of freedom that is unexplainable.  I have also learned to believe and trust that God is working on my behalf (even now as I type this) to bring blessings into my life.  I don't need to see His hand at work or know when or how He will do it.  I just need to concentrate and focus on trusting Him in the dark...with my faith.  Don't get me wrong, there are some twists and turns on this ride in which I'm screaming so loud my voice is hoarse, but just like any other roller coaster ride, I get past that "scary" part and start laughing again.

 

Letting go has taught me to embrace the idea that maybe God wants me to mature as a wife, friend, and daughter before He answers my prayers for a baby.  Maybe, I am not the "perfect" Christian I thought I was and He is wanting to strengthen my faith, mature my relationship with Him, and teach me patience (because I had NONE).  Maybe I still need to learn what it is to truly trust Him and rest in His peace.   Maybe He is teaching me to persevere through adversity because He see's something up ahead that I can't see?  Maybe He is using this season of waiting to create a sense of impossibility and set the scene for a miracle that will glorify Him...?  Maybe, just maybe, He has more in store for me than "just a baby"...?  Ephesians 3:20 says that God wants to give us abundantly and exceedingly more than what we ask for--I am asking for a baby, for Him to redeem the outcome of my infertility; but maybe His plans include not only redeeming the outcome of my infertility, but the whole season.  The only way I can get His best, obtain ALL that He has for me, is to surrender and let go of my plans, and trust in His plans.
I have often talked in previous posts about how God moves suddenly in our lives and I believe that just like all roller coaster rides, this train will come to a sudden stop and the adventure will be over.  I know that I will climb out of my seat, legs shaking, and my head spinning because of all the wonderful blessings God bestowed upon me along the way.  I have faith that He is going turn this crazy roller coaster ride of infertility into an amazing experience that will make for an awesome testimony, which will honor and glorify Him.

 

Letting go and taking that first plunge into His arms takes a tremendous act of courage because it seems counter intuitive.  It requires saying "no" to our path, and "yes" to humility and patience.  It means dying to the part that wants to push, wants to control, and to have our way--now!  It means saying "yes" to God's implicit questions: Will you wait for Me?  Will you surrender your idea of "best" for My best?  Will you let go of your "perfect timing" for My perfect timing?

I realize that you can't ever take that first drop into the arms of someone you don't know or trust. Therefore, I encourage you to get to know the goodness of God's character. He is loving, merciful, faithful, compassionate, and He wants to bless you more than you even want to be blessed.  He is not only a promise maker, but also a promise keeper.  Once you believe in these truths, choosing to trust Him, in the midst of uncertainty, will become easier.  It will also enable you to see yourself claiming the promise that He is already at work and transforming His best plans for you into reality.  Don't be afraid as you sit at the top of the roller coaster looking down at the people who look like ants...go ahead, put your hands up in the air, and start screaming for joy in the freedom you have just found by "letting go".

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhnRvb-M-P4