But it was THE perfect time!

If you struggling with infertility and are like me, you come across days, holiday's, months, seasons, or special anniversary dates where you think, "This is THE perfect time! Everything points to this being the month I get pregnant!"  But then as the "perfect time" passes and our breakthrough or pregnancy doesn't happen, we are left feeling devastated and doubt starts creeping in as we begin to wonder whether or not our circumstances will ever change--because after all, the "perfect time" has just passed by.  How will there ever be another more "perfect time"?

 

I'll admit, there have been many times were I have thought, "This is the perfect time", but this month, this cycle, this time, it was different.  Everything did seem perfect and I was more than confident that this was the month I would get pregnant.  I ovulated on around calendar day 17.   WHOO HOO!  Even though I have not taken any fertility medicine in over 21 months, my body hasn't been the same ever since and I have only known of less than five times in which I ovulated.  So praise God!  The signs and symptoms of ovulation are back and I believe ovulation occurred!  Secondly, if you have read my post Sweet Dreams, you will understand why the number 17 holds so much meaning to me.  So not only were things looking "perfect" in the sense of my body finally ovulating, but I ovulated on the 17th!  (Insert happy dance)

 

Another sign that this was the "perfect time"?   The possible due date.  Usually since I never know when I ovulate, the "when is my due date" calculator is pointless and I haven't visited those sites in over a year; but with the chance of knowing when I might have conceived this cycle, I went ahead and consulted Dr. Google.  According to Dr. Google, my due date would land on or around October 17th!  Did Dr. Google just say 10-17? If you have been bored enough to read "Our Story" you would know that the number 10 also means something... In April of last year, many woman were praying for me at church and three of them heard the number 10.  I went home and Googled the Biblical meaning of the number and it means "completion of a cycle" and "not wanting".  If I was to give birth in October, it would definitely be the "completion of a cycle" and I would fo'sho "no longer be wanting."  The "perfect timing" doesn't stop there because my Daddyo's birthday is February 17th...this would be the perfect gift and perfect day and date to announce to my family that the struggle, the wait, and the anticipation is over.  So as you can see, this particular cycle was looking PERFECT!  The timing, the significance, everything, was simply perfect.

 

As if these positive dates and signs weren't enough, I also started having sore breasts and waves of nausea starting 10 days past ovulation.  I haven't had sore breasts in years!  Could this actually be happening?!  Was I actually pregnant?!  All the signs and symptoms pointed to pregnancy...that is up until that moment I went to the bathroom on Sunday...all my ideas of how it was the "perfect time" came crashing down all around me.  The next cycle had officially begun.  My "perfect time" had passed me by...so long...sayonara...adios.
It's not the first time my "perfect timing" has passed by--I have had many, but this one seemed more "perfect" than others.  It just wasn't about thinking, "Oh Christmas time would be perfect because I could announce in front of all my family I was pregnant."  Nope.  It was more than that.  Each sign, symptom, date, and number held a high significance to me.  How could God allow this opportunity for Him to flex His supernatural muscles pass by?  How could He let this "perfect time" slip through the cracks?  And then I stop and think, how could I possibly think I know when it's the "perfect time" to bring a new life into the world?  How arrogant am I?

I think about the New Testament story of Zechariah and Elizabeth who were old and still barren despite years of trying to grow their family.  How many "perfect times" passed them by?   However, having reached the age passed menopause, and children seemed like an impossibility, an angel appeared to Zechariah and announced Elizabeth would conceive a son at "the appointed time".  It wasn't their "perfect time" to become parents because their idea of that was years earlier.  It was back when they were younger and able to run, play freeze tag without getting tired in five minutes, or when he was able to wrestle on the floor without pulling a muscle.  But this story highlights that our "perfect time" is not always God's "appointed time".  

 

God has known since the beginning of my infertility journey, even from the beginning of my life, the "appointed time" for fulfilling His plan to grow my family.  The moment when I first gaze into the eyes of my baby bird is no surprise to Him.  It's already scheduled and if I could see His calendar for my life, it would be there.  Circled in red with a birthday cake drawn in the box.

Over the course of the last couple of days I have often asked myself, "Why can't now be the appointed time?"  Everything seems as though it would be the "perfect time" but it's not--it's not "perfect" according to God's plan and it's not about me or my sense of urgency.  My child has a specific place in history and God has a divine purpose for bringing my baby bird into the world at a particular moment in time to fulfill His higher purpose.  He has a plan for their life and it goes beyond making me happy or bringing them into my home in my "perfect time".

 

The question is can I wait? Can I trust God's purposefulness enough to push aside my idea of when the "perfect time" would be and instead pray for patience and peace until the appointed time?  The answer is yes!  Yes I can and I know if I do this, I will delight God who loves me and eagerly anticipates the appointed time even more than I do.  He is just as eager to watch me share the pregnancy news and then nine months later as I joyfully count each finger and each toe.

Today, I have let go of any ideas of when the "perfect time" would be, and I instead place my trust in God's "appointed time."  Ultimately, His appointed time will be the perfect time.

I can't leave this post without giving God ALL the glory for this shortened cycle.  My past five cycles have been long and each time I begin a new cycle, I am always wondering if it will be another record-breaking Longest.Cycle.Ever., but it wasn't.  God answered my prayers. I have been asked if I did anything differently this time around and I guess you could say I did, but not for fertility purposes.  One thing I did do differently this cycle was I quit taking my vitamins (prenatal, Calcium, Vitamin D, and magnesium).  It wasn't because I didn't want to, or I was experimenting, but rather because I got lazy and kept forgetting (sorry Mommers).  I don't think I have had a vitamin since Christmas time.  eek!

The second difference I made during this cycle was my Hubby and I participated in the Daniel fast at our church during the first 21 days in January...this meant no added sugar, processed foods, meat, or dairy.  We ate only veggies, fruits, and rice (it.was.rough).  I do know that women with PCOS need to watch carbs and sugar because they can have a negative effect on our reproductive hormones; therefore, one could assume my lack of carbs and added sugar might have helped shorten my cycle. With this assumption, I might start being more cautious about the food I eat...but I will not give up my pizza or tacos :)

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The Pretty Little Gift box

This was taken from my Seed of Hope Devotional:

 

When someone gives you a gift, do you leave it in their hands or do you take hold of it and pull it towards you?  Most of us grab it and receive it with a big smile on our face and delight in our eyes!  When you take possession of a gift, it becomes yours.  You have become the owner of it.  You can use it however you would like.  You also have the option to put it in a corner or on a shelf and never receive any benefit from being the new owner of it.

Long ago, I realized that the healing of my body was like a gift and I had not taken possession of it.  So I purchased a pretty little gift box and set it on my dresser where I would see it everyday.  It was a visual and tactile reminder that I needed to take possession of what Jesus purchased for me--my abundant life.  So every time I would see it or pick it up, I was reminded to say, "Thank you God, I receive my healing.  I receive the life you purchased for me."

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~John 10:10

I believe saying "thank you" is an important part of receiving because not only are you being polite, you are also telling the giver that you are grateful for what they have taken the time and sacrifice to provide or do for you.  In my case, I was telling God that I was grateful for His love and for the healing He had already provided for me through the body of Jesus.  I chose to have an "attitude of gratitude" even when I was still experiencing infertility.  I chose to thank God for His goodness, for His dynamic healing power working in me, and for His unconditional love.

...He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases.  ~ Matthew 8:17

By saying "thank you", you are not only reminding yourself that you have received the gift and taken ownership of it, but as you say "thank you" over and over with genuineness, you begin to build up your confidence and faith in God. ~ A Seed of Hope by Evangeline Brown Colbert

I encourage you to go grab a pretty little gift box and thank God for your abundant life.  Thank Him now for your physical or emotional healing, financial breakthrough, or infertility.   Whatever it is you need, thank Him.  It will not only remind yourself of what is already yours, but it will also build up your confidence and faith in God.  Who wouldn't want that?  Not to mention, it will keep you focused on Him and His solution to the problem.  Make the choice today to keep your eyes on God, the Giver of good gifts by giving Him thanks, right where you are.

Poppa God, I come to you today giving you thanks and praise for Your faithfulness in my life.  Thank you that as I choose to receive Your Word, it works to give me abundant life and it strengthens my soul.  Help me to keep my heart and mind focused on You.  In Jesus' Name.  Amen.  ~ A Seed of Hope

It's time for me to go find a pretty little gift box...how about you?

Pssst!  Did you enjoy this nugget of encouragement today?  Would you like your own copy so that you can continue to grow in your faith?  Well, get excited! I have extras copies! WHOO HOO! :)  Email me your address and I'll get it pony expressed to you right away.  Free of charge!  Don't be shy!  It is my gift to you!  XOXO  (Although a little extra cash would be lovely, I am no way being paid to endorse this product. I just love it and want to share!)

The Roller Coaster Ride

My personality type is Melancholy and Choleric.  I like details, planning, organizing, and being in complete control, especially when there is a problem that needs "fixin".  This innate drive to "take control" and "do something" often leaves me worn out! The constant planning, rationalizing, thinking, and "doing" makes me stressed, tired, and cranky.  I might lash out at others for no apparent reason and I toss and turn at night, unable to sleep because my mind is constantly racing on my need to stay in control and think of what I need to do next in order to fix it.   Despite all of this stress, the thought of giving up control causes me to shudder!  I realize that I could relinquish my control and the problem to another person, therefore releasing the burden and responsibility, but I usually don't trust anyone else.  I don't have confidence that they will do it right or the way I want it done, therefore I hold on tight to the problem.  In fact, I hold onto it so tight, my knuckles will start to turn white.  There have been situations in which I did give up control, only to snatch it right back because I didn't like how he or she was doing it.  Are there any other control freaks out there?

 

Maybe that's what you're experiencing with God--not trusting Him enough to completely let go of your problems and allowing Him to be in control.  I will never forget the day God asked me to "let go" of the white knuckle grip I had on my infertility problem(s).  I was terrified!   It was like being on a roller coaster and slowly climbing my way up the steep hill and seeing the ground below me inching away...a sudden silence loomed in the air...my stomach was in my throat and my thoughts were all jumbled with fear, excitement, worry, and nervousness...

As I sat at the top of the roller coaster, about to make my stomach dropping decent into God's arms, I remember thinking that I couldn't do it.  I needed to just try "one more thing".  I had more confidence in my ability than I did in God's ability.  How ridiculous is that thought?  I knew I needed to get over my fear of what would happen if I wasn't in control and I knew I needed to trust that His way was better, but I couldn't.  What if He didn't catch me?  What if letting go of my control meant my dream of becoming a mother would eventually die?  Who would protect my dream if I'm not the one holding onto it?  What if He made me wait five more years? I was able to trust God with my family, health, and finances, but could I trust Him with my dreams?  Could I give Him everything?  I knew in my head that God could be trusted with everything, but my heart was singing a different tune.

Letting go of something so precious evokes anxious feelings that beckon hopelessness, and defeat. But God promises that in Him we find HOPE and VICTORY.

It was because of this difference that I realized for my own spiritual growth, I needed to let go.  I needed to know in my heart and not just in my head that God could be trusted with everything.  I needed to know that He would protect my dreams and flood me with feelings of peace and hope as I stepped into the unknown.  I needed to let go and let God, so I took that free-falling drop into His arms...

Errr....Ummmm...so I thought (sigh. head down in shame).  Months afterwards, I realized that I was still trying to do "little" things here and there in order to help God.  (I was a little arrogant and still thought He needed some assistance even though my heart was telling me He didn't)  I fooled myself into thinking I had given my problems to Him, but in reality, I had never actually "let go".  I had reached to the top of the roller coaster and extended the problem to Him, but I kept a few fingers on it still.  I never actually threw my hands up in the air and experienced the rush of the first drop.

It's hard for God to work on our problems if we are still in possession of it, because when our sticky fingers are on it, even a pinky finger, we are still thinking of ways to "do something".  We are still trying to control.

 

The "little" things I did as God's "assistant" included praying according to what I wanted, how I wanted it, and when I wanted it done.  I  called upon Dr. Google and researched PCOS until the cows came home.  I read and studied books on infertility more than I read the Bible.  I drank nasty smoothies and disgusting glasses of Okra water (Dr. Google said it would help with blood sugar). I talked to others about my situation more than I talked to God.  I declared scripture with the mindset that if I say "this", than God would HAVE to answer my prayers (I look back at this now and laugh at how silly my thought process was at the time).  When I did pray and read my Bible, I did it with the thought that I NEEDED to, or else God wouldn't bless me (once again, silly thought.  God doesn't bless us on how good we are...faith is what pleases Him).  Does this sound like the actions of a person who has "let go"?  Yea...not so much.  I had "loosened" my grip, bu was still too scared to let go of it entirely.

 "The Lord knows all human plans; he knows they are futile (pointless). ~Proverbs 94:11

 

Everything I did was pointless.  It was all in my own efforts, ability, and strength and it all produced nada, nothing, zilch, zip a dee doo dah.  All the planning, thinking, rationalizing, and controlling left me with nothing but bitterness, heartache, and disappointment.  I realized I was still sitting at the top of the roller coaster ride filled with anxiety, and I had to make the choice of either staying stuck at the top, or taking the plunge and letting it all go.  I needed to let go of my idea of "perfect timing" and trust that God's timing was best.  I needed to once again take that first drop...yikes!

So I finally did it! I told God I was releasing my control and problems of infertility to Him.  I was done spinning my wheels and trying to "do something".  I was even done with doing the "little somethings" I had foolishly been denying.  I prayed out loud that I was going to put all my eggs (fertility humor) into His basket and trust that He would not only protect my dream of being a mommy, but that He would bring it into fruition.   I'll be honest, saying this prayer caused my stomach to go into my throat.  I could barely swallow as I grabbed firmly to the safety bar in front of me that was God's promises.

After the big drop, the huge prayer I prayed, I thought the hard part was over; but now I find myself traveling through the underground tunnel of the roller coaster ride in which visibility has been reduced to zero.  I have no way of knowing what twists and turns are up ahead. I have NO control over how or when I will get pregnant.  But even though I don't like it and I can't see, I am enjoying this thrill ride!  My hands are up in the air, my hair is going crazy, and I have a sense of freedom that is unexplainable.  I have also learned to believe and trust that God is working on my behalf (even now as I type this) to bring blessings into my life.  I don't need to see His hand at work or know when or how He will do it.  I just need to concentrate and focus on trusting Him in the dark...with my faith.  Don't get me wrong, there are some twists and turns on this ride in which I'm screaming so loud my voice is hoarse, but just like any other roller coaster ride, I get past that "scary" part and start laughing again.

 

Letting go has taught me to embrace the idea that maybe God wants me to mature as a wife, friend, and daughter before He answers my prayers for a baby.  Maybe, I am not the "perfect" Christian I thought I was and He is wanting to strengthen my faith, mature my relationship with Him, and teach me patience (because I had NONE).  Maybe I still need to learn what it is to truly trust Him and rest in His peace.   Maybe He is teaching me to persevere through adversity because He see's something up ahead that I can't see?  Maybe He is using this season of waiting to create a sense of impossibility and set the scene for a miracle that will glorify Him...?  Maybe, just maybe, He has more in store for me than "just a baby"...?  Ephesians 3:20 says that God wants to give us abundantly and exceedingly more than what we ask for--I am asking for a baby, for Him to redeem the outcome of my infertility; but maybe His plans include not only redeeming the outcome of my infertility, but the whole season.  The only way I can get His best, obtain ALL that He has for me, is to surrender and let go of my plans, and trust in His plans.
I have often talked in previous posts about how God moves suddenly in our lives and I believe that just like all roller coaster rides, this train will come to a sudden stop and the adventure will be over.  I know that I will climb out of my seat, legs shaking, and my head spinning because of all the wonderful blessings God bestowed upon me along the way.  I have faith that He is going turn this crazy roller coaster ride of infertility into an amazing experience that will make for an awesome testimony, which will honor and glorify Him.

 

Letting go and taking that first plunge into His arms takes a tremendous act of courage because it seems counter intuitive.  It requires saying "no" to our path, and "yes" to humility and patience.  It means dying to the part that wants to push, wants to control, and to have our way--now!  It means saying "yes" to God's implicit questions: Will you wait for Me?  Will you surrender your idea of "best" for My best?  Will you let go of your "perfect timing" for My perfect timing?

I realize that you can't ever take that first drop into the arms of someone you don't know or trust. Therefore, I encourage you to get to know the goodness of God's character. He is loving, merciful, faithful, compassionate, and He wants to bless you more than you even want to be blessed.  He is not only a promise maker, but also a promise keeper.  Once you believe in these truths, choosing to trust Him, in the midst of uncertainty, will become easier.  It will also enable you to see yourself claiming the promise that He is already at work and transforming His best plans for you into reality.  Don't be afraid as you sit at the top of the roller coaster looking down at the people who look like ants...go ahead, put your hands up in the air, and start screaming for joy in the freedom you have just found by "letting go".

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhnRvb-M-P4

Not Just Fashionably Late

 

The worst feeling ever in the morning is the subtle glance at the clock that quickly turns into a mumbling of words, an ungraceful stumble out of bed, and a frantic vibe that is reinforced by the echoing thought of "Oh crap, oh crap!"  I hate being late, especially when it is out of my control.  It can be my car didn't start, I overslept, I didn't hear the alarm, or my cat threw up (this has actually happened...).  The reasons... I mean...excuses can be endless and awful...

I have a typical type A personality, so of course I do not like being late, nor do I like to hear the word late.  It throws off plans, makes me rework my lists, and causes my schedule to go out of whack.  It is a melancholy's worst nightmare!  But for the last five months, my body (menstrual cycle) has decided it likes loves the word late, and not the fashionably, "cutsie" kind of late, but the kind where I basically have one cycle in the time frame an average person has two cycles.

Since May, my cycles have been 44 days, 29 days (say what?!  Happy, happy, happy), 41 days, 40 days, 48 days and now drum roll please...56 days.  This is not "normal" and there are days when I don't pray and ask for a baby that month, but just a "normal" cycle.  I can't remember ever having one, but I know "normal" cycles exist.  I have read about them online (hehe) and just a couple of weeks ago I overheard my friend talking to another friend about how she planned both of her children's birthday's to be in the summer.  What?!  You can do that?!  That's amazing! I can't even plan when to have "menstrual supplies" on hand, let alone what season I want my children's birthday's to be in.  This is a planners dream!  She must either have magic powers that I do not have, or a "normal" cycle.  I'm going to go with the latter.  I want a cycle like her's...a cycle in which I can plan or schedule...uhhhmmm...errr..."activities" to increase my chances of getting pregnant..."normal" cycles in which I could plan (if I wanted to) which seasons or months I wanted to have my children...I just want a "normal" cycle.

But what is normal when it comes to your cycle length?  Medical professionals and "Dr. Google" say that a normal cycle is anywhere between 21 to 35 days with 28 being "average".  So as it seems, my 56 day cycle is anything but "normal" or "average".   Long cycles usually equal no ovulation.  No ovulation equals no egg.  No egg means no baby...so how am I suppose to get pregnant without a "normal" cycle?!

 

Hope and Faith.  That's how I am going to get pregnant.  Even with being chronically late and having all of this "evidence" stacked up against me, I refuse to lose hope and I will hold on to every ounce of faith I have in my spirit.  I will not allow the facts of my situation change my mind about the truth in God's promises of healing, or that He can do the impossible regardless of how long my cycles have become.  Of course the devil wants me to feel stuck in my situation and try to convince me that it is hopeless.  He wants me to have those thoughts in the back of my mind that say, "Next cycle won't be any different.  In fact, it will probably continue to get longer. It isn't ever going to change.  You are the only one God isn't doing anything for."  But I know that these are just lies from the devil.  I know that God can turn this ugly situation of long cycles, mixed with unbalanced hormones, combined with months years of heartache, and turn it around for His glory.  How do I know this?  I know this because He has proven Himself time and time again in His word and I have seen it with other people in my life.  How many stories have you heard of people who were struggling with something and then BAM!  Everything suddenly changed for the better?  I believe that more often than not, God moves suddenly and we need to wait for a sudden move from Him.  We need to have hope in Him that is filled to the top with expectancy.

Definition of expectancy:  the state of confidently thinking or hoping that something pleasant will happen

 

I am going into my next cycle expecting that God is going to suddenly show up at any moment and change this whole mess in an instant, regardless of any evidence presented that pregnancy can't happen. It's okay if my cycles are long because I don't have to have a "normal" cycle to get pregnant...my charting doesn't have to have perfect highs and lows...my hormones don't even have to be balanced, because God is the God of impossibles and my impossible circumstance is just more of opportunity for His power and glory to shine.   "My new motto:  It doesn't matter if my cycles are early, late or on time because God is the God of impossibles."

For the record, I never planned to put on cyberspace when my cycles started, ended, appeared, reappeared, disappeared, etc.  However, I felt it was necessary in order to encourage and remind every woman who is struggling with irregular cycles or having thoughts that their cycles need to be "normal", that God is the God of impossibles.  If He can cause a virgin teenager to get pregnant and give birth, then He can cause you to get pregnant and give birth, even with all of your short, long, non-existent cycles, and crazy up and down hormones.  Just believe.

Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." ~Matthew 19:26

(side note:  I know that women with "normal" cycle lengths also do not get pregnant.  I am not saying the grass is greener on the other side; I am just saying that it gets frustrating and feelings of hopelessness can creep in when you NEVER know how long your cycle is going to last or when it could even start.  It takes me to a whole new level of a "two week wait" because it can sometimes be a three week wait...or four week...or should I even wait?  So since I can't control it and I don't know, I have decided to not care anymore on the "length" and instead put it in God's hands...that was the point of this post.)

God is Setting the Scene

"I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.  Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me.  Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust me in the dark.  The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation.  Instead of letting difficulties draw you to worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention.  Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life. ~Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young

This Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young had my wheels spinning this morning and I can't seem to stop thinking about the words...the meaning...the possibilities.

"I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine.  Come to me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish."  Many times I come to God with my 'requests', but do I really (I mean REALLY) come expecting Him to answer and do above and beyond what I can even think or imagine?  Or do I just limit Him to a tiny box and only think He can work in my life according to what I can see with my natural eyes?  My cycles are long, my hormones are unbalanced, and my BBT is never good...do I transfer these circumstances onto God and think He won't answer my prayer for a baby this cycle (or even the next one) because currently my body isn't working properly?  God is known for taking less than perfect environments or situations and performing miracles and I must never forget this truth.  I need to always come to Him asking for BIG things and then EXPECT BIG things to happen.  There are no limits to God.

"Ask my Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me."  If you asked me, "Do you have 'great thoughts' of God?" I would raise both hands and say "OF COURSE!"--and I do--but if I took an account for every thought or idle word I speak in regards to my circumstances, could I really say I had 'great thoughts' about God all of the time?  If I truly believed that all things would work out for my good, then why do I sometimes worry?  Why do I stomp my feet and cry out if I trust that He is faithful to His promises?  It's easy to look at our circumstances and lose sight and think that He is not good, merciful, faithful, loving, and working all good things out for our good; but we need to constantly ask the Holy Spirit to control our mind and emotions, so that we only have great thoughts about the Great I Am.

"Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered.  Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon me, to trust me in the dark."  My current cycle is the longest it has ever been.  I have broken the record for the longest.cycle.ever. and I can't help but sometimes become discouraged.  I have prayed for shorter cycles, to see signs of ovulation, and to be pregnant, but to no avail.  But I can't let myself become discouraged because my prayers are not answered in the time frame that I would like.  Time is one of the greatest factors that can kill the promises of God from coming into our lives because we mistake the length (or time) of our wait as the answer "no", and if we think the answer is "no", then we will lose sight, give up, or try something else that God has not planned.  God's delays are not His denials.  I cannot allow time to be viewed as my enemy, but rather a helper.   Eek!  Cringe! I almost hated typing that, but I need to open my mind to the fact that God could be using time in my situation as a training tool to wait upon Him.  I am a doer and I'm always looking for quick solutions, so the thought of 'waiting' on God seems slow, boring and unproductive. However, in the Bible, to wait upon God is not "sitting still" or being "unproductive", but rather an act of trusting, praising, worshiping, praying, and seeking more after Him.  Am I allowing this time of "waiting" to teach me how to trust, worship, praise, and seek after Him more?  Are you?  I am trying hard to not let my time of "waiting" be useless, but a season of growth in my faith.  By doing so, this journey has had the same problems, but the problems are growing dim and the struggle to continue each day is becoming less.

"The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in your situation.  Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for my glorious intervention." As I continue into another long cycle, I can't help but worry or view my situation as getting more 'extreme'.  From my perspective, I should have little hope of conceiving naturally, but I choose to not let the long cycles, multiple pages of medical reports, or my logical reasoning take over and cause me fear, worry, or unbelief.  Instead, I will view my long, anovulatory cycles as opportunities for God to orchestrate a scene in which He can suddenly show up and show out with a glorious intervention that showcases His power.  The more extreme my circumstance looks, the more glory God will get in the end.  Would I like to have a normal 28 day cycle with obvious signs of ovulation so that I could "time" better?  Of course!  But how much more glory would God get in the end if I am able to tell others how I was able to conceive despite long cycles, mixed with unbalanced hormones, and tests revealing I do not mature or ovulate an egg?  I want my story of God's miraculous power to leave mouths open and jaws dropped.

I encourage you to keep reading over this devotional today, maybe even type it out on paper and put it on your bathroom mirror as a reminder to look at your 'extreme circumstance' from a different perspective.  Don't look at the time it is taking or the difficulties along the way as set backs, but as opportunities that God is using them to perfect you and perfect the final scene in which He shows His power and glory.  Doing so is an act of faith and demonstration of your trust in Him.  Also, let this devotional remind you to come boldly before Him and ask of BIG and impossible things...things we can't even fathom; but don't just ask, EXPECT him to answer.

You've Got Mail!

As a child I have always enjoyed checking the mailbox.  I would get so excited to see a surprise letter or random card from a friend or relative and I have realized that since I have gotten older, not much has changed.  I think I am the only person at the ripe ol' age of 30 (cough, cough) who looks and waits with eagerness for the mail carrier to walk up on my porch at 3:30pm, and then starts to panic that he isn't coming if I haven't seen him by 4pm.

I know! I know!  I need a life, but I can't help but love surprises--and when it comes to receiving mail, it is always full of surprises...I just never know what he is going bring.  I will admit that sometimes I simply wish he would have just lost my mail due to an unexpected bill (usually this happened when doing infertility treatments and tests), but then there are those rare days when I get an unexpected card or gift from a friend.  It's those little surprises that keep me in eagerness and anticipation for the mail carrier, because those unexpected surprises from a loved one telling me they are thinking of me, love me, or are praying for me, can magically heal my hurts, make a bad day better, and give me more hope and strength to keep going.

 

I experienced this first hand on Wednesday when I checked the mail and found an unexpected package addressed to "Elisha, Dan and Josiah Kearns".  My old college roommate and bestie sent me a card with words of encouragement as well as this special flannel onsie for Josiah.  She said that it reminded her of a "mini Daniel", because if you know my hubby, he LOVES to wear his flannels and He would probably wear them everywhere if I allowed him.  Seeing this cute flannel and imagining the two of them matching was enough to make me say "awe", cry happy tears, smile, and get excited for better days; it jolted a shot of life back into my spirit. 

It's the simple gifts, gestures, cards, and kind words that can make this journey a little more bearable and keep the hope alive within my heart.  Especially as the wait gets longer and the time drags on at an agonizing snail pace.  

Throughout this tough journey, I have learned that so much good can come from a simple $3 card, and I have always been taught that the greatest blessing is to be a blessing.  Therefore, if you would like the mailman to deliver unexpected cards filled with prayers, hope, and love--email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com or comment below your address.  I would love to send you something that could put a smile on your face or give you hope to carry on.  Also, feel free to "reblog" this in case there is someone in your friend circle that could use some encouraging cards in the mail as well.

P.S. I promise to not stalk you, egg you, tp your house, peek in your windows, or send you poisonous chemicals :) I will also not share information with others. That would just be creepy.  

Just In the Nick of Time

 

It’s that time of year again when we make New Year’s Resolutions and then ditch them by the middle of January (if not sooner).  Why do we make them?  I am (cough, cough) 30 years old and I can’t name one single New Year’s Resolution that I have actually “stuck” with in its entirety.  I can make resolutions and set goals all day long, but the second I “fall off the wagon“, I’m done and back to my old ways.  Yet, I still seem to make them and I’m ashamed to say, they are usually the same ones year after year. I’m not only boring, but obviously unrealistic when it comes to making resolutions.

You know the ones I’m talking about because they are probably yours too…lose weight, eat healthier, spend more time with God and less time on social media, not drink as much soda, exercise more, complain less, be more thankful…yada yada, blah blah.

 

At the end of 2011, I read Dave Ramsey’s book, “Total Money Makeover” and decided that I would forgo all of my usual “resolutions” (I wasn’t keeping them anyway) and resolve to pay off our debt in 2012.  We have never had credit card debt (thank goodness), but we did have Daniel’s student loans (mine were already donzo), and our Saturn Vue had two years left before it was paid off.  I wanted ALL debt to be cleared by the end of 2012.

In January of 2012, I planned out the “perfect” budget and I did awesome in regards to sticking to it in January, February, and March…but then April came and I fell off the wagon.  I threw my hands up in the air and let that resolution die along with all of the others in previous years passed.  I will even admit that I actually gave myself a pat on the back for even making it three months before “quitting”. I mean, seriously?  How many people actually “complete” their New Year’s Resolutions?  I at least made it to Spring (and this was in the midst of paying for IVF! Anyone who has gone through fertility treatments KNOWS how hard it is to keep budgets during this time).

However, January 1st, 2013 rolled around and I decided it was time to revive the old resolution to pay off all debt (remember, I am boring and I do the same resolutions from year to year).  As motivation, I took “Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey off the book shelf again and read the first few chapters in hopes it would spark that same fire I had in the beginning of 2012.   It worked!  I was motivated!  I was determined!  I was ready to “DO THIS!”  I created another “perfect” budget, shared it with the hubs to get him on board with the plan, and off we went to making this resolution stick.  My goal was to have all debt cleared by July 2013.  

January came and I did awesome!  February was also successful and March was still looking good.  But then hit April.  What is up the month of April?!  In April, the hubs and I went to Florida to visit his family and even though I knew about this trip MONTHS in advance, somehow I failed to plan it in our budget.  (slap forehead!)  By the time I realized this, I had already taken our extra money for that month and put it towards his student loans so this meant the trip would have to go on our credit card.  No biggie because I knew that I would have it paid off even before the credit card was due.  However it turned into a “biggie” in regards to meeting my July deadline because this created a snowball effect and I wasn’t able to put as much extra money on to the next student loan payment.  This small hiccup pushed our “pay off” date into October. GUH-reat!  (slap forehead!)
As a perfectionist, and not being able to meet my original goal of July, I thought about just going back to paying the minimum payment on the student loans and car payment.  I was getting kinda tired of being on “house arrest” and not able to venture to the mall when I wanted or randomly go out to eat if I didn’t feel like cooking anyway; but I came across this story in the Bible during my quiet time and it lit another fire to keep on, keeping on.

“…Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you?  Tell me, what do you have in the house?”  And she said, “Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.”  Then he said, “Go, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors–empty vessels; do not gather just a few.  And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.”  So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons, who brought the vessels to her, and she poured it out.  Now it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said to her son, “Bring me another vessel.”  And he said to her, “There is not another vessel.”  So the oil ceased.  Then she came and told the man of God.  And he said, “Go sell the oil and pay your debt; and you and your sons will live off the rest.”  ~2 Kings 4:2-7

After reading this story, I felt God telling me to persevere on towards my ultimate goal of clearing all my debts.  So I reworked another “perfect” budget and got back on track. I was doing great all summer and most of fall (slight pot hole in August with a trip to Target and Hobby Lobby…eek), but I hit a major road block at the beginning of October.  We took another trip to Florida because the hubs’ best friend was getting married and once again, I forgot to incorporate this trip which had been PLANNED for months in advance into our “perfect” budget.  (slap forehead…again! I must be a slow learner…)

I am an excellent organizer and planner, but I guess when it comes to budgeting and money…not so much

Once we returned from Florida, I contemplated on giving up again.  I convinced myself that we had dramatically reduced our debt and I could “start over” (again) in January 2014.  No biggie, right?  Wrong.  That little voice inside my head wouldn’t shut up.  It kept saying, “Keep going! Pay your debt”. So I listened to this voice and it seems like the moment I got motivated again to “keep going”, I also got smacked in the face with Christmas.  Can you say “budget buster!”  By the end of November, I was REALLY ready to just throw in the towel, wave the white flag, and give myself a pat on the back for coming this far.  But God wouldn’t let it rest.  During another quiet time with God, I randomly came across Romans 13:8 which says, “Owe nothing to anyone–except for your obligation to love one another…”

Not willing to have another resolution fail and because I was too scared to ignore God, I reworked the budget (again), and in order to save money, we lived off lots of cheap processed foods such as cereal, chicken fingers, and frozen pizza (don’t judge…my New Years Resolution was to pay off debt, not eat healthy. hehe).

Today is December 31st.  The last day of 2013.  Where do I stand with my resolution of paying off all debt?  I stand free as a bird!  I owe no man anything except to give them the love of Christ. Yippee!  Whooo Hooo! Happy, happy, happy!

This is the FIRST New Year’s Resolution I have ever kept!  It would have been easy to give up when I first “failed” in April and again in October, and Christmas would have had more gifts for everyone (sorry to those who may have got the shaft), but old ways won’t open new doors.  I am ready for new doors to open for us financially and I know that God is pleased with my obedience and perseverance.  I didn’t accomplish my July goal…or even my October goal…but I never gave up. I learned that if I set my mind to it, I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength and the motivation when I need it. I also learned self-discipline and self-control when it comes to spending which my hubby is probably most excited about.  It feels good to not start the new year off with the same resolution as the year before.  (Can I get a virtual high-five? Anyone?!  haha!) 

I am still unsure what my New Year’s Resolution will be for 2014…still pondering. But I am excited to make one (or even two) because I know that if I set my mind to it, and lean on God for strength and motivation, I will accomplish it. 

I want to encourage you today that as you make one or even ten New Year’s Resolutions for 2014, do not beat yourself up or throw in the towel at the first, second, or even third fail.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and persevere to finish what it was you started.  Old ways wont open new doors. 

The Hidden Treasure

I sat down today to look back and journal my thoughts on all of the wonderful blessings God had given me in 2013, but my mind kept taking me back to 2012.  If I could describe 2012 in one word it would be "emptiness".  My arms were empty of a newborn I had hoped to be holding, my womb was empty of a lil baby bird kicking, doing somersaults, or stretching, and my spirit and soul were empty of peace, joy, and hope.  Everything I did in 2012 was a result of my thoughts that formulated into my plans, performed in my strength in order to make things happen in my timing. It was a painful year of constant doctor appointments, needles, vials, blood work, ultrasounds, disappointments, losses, and negative medical reports that left me hollow, blank and feeling void. I was left empty.

 

At the beginning of 2013, I had read that through every trial there is a hidden treasure, and so as I embarked a new year, I began the hunt for my hidden treasure.   If there was a blessing or purpose for my trials, then I wanted to find it.  I didn't want to feel empty.  I didn't want this path that I was on to be useless and filled with void.  I wanted it to serve a purpose. So I set out in 2013 on a new journey to find my hidden treasure, and I uncovered something, it was something I didn't know about myself.  My "emptiness" was a result of my "neediness"

God designed us to have no sufficiency on our own, and when we fail to recognize our neediness for Him, we find ourselves empty.  We find ourselves hollow, useless, and craving more.

Through my search, I reflected on my life and realized much of it had been "smooth sailing".  I struggled to think of too many times where I wasn't able to solve a problem myself or get through a situation in my strength.  All of my plans seemed to go according to how I orchestrated them and I always found myself blessed beyond measure.  Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I hadn't ever been in a position to "need" God--that is until I found myself on a path in which I couldn't control my situation anymore than I could control the weather.
The only control I had, was whether or not I would relinquish full control to the Creator and admit my "need" for Him...and that's what I did in 2013.  Once I let go of my situation and unclenched my fists that was holding tight to "my plans" and "my timing" as well as open my heart to what He wanted, I was able to sit still long enough to have those newly opened hands and now opened heart be filled with His joy, peace, and hope that I later discovered never disappoints.

"And this hope will not lead to disappointment..." ~Romans 5:5

It was through releasing my control that He was able to perform eye surgery and give me a new set of glasses to see the "unseen".  I love these new glasses because I am now able to confidently see myself pregnant, giving birth, and rocking to sleep my baby bird.  It is with these new set of glasses, I can boldly walk into any room and tell those who are willing to listen how Jesus is going to make me a happy mother of children one day despite the negative doctor reports or statistics.  But most importantly, it is with these new set of glasses that I have been able to recognize every day my "neediness" for the only one who can fill my "emptiness".

I am "needy" person.  I am in NEED of His peace, His guidance, His wisdom, His plans, His love, His faithfulness, His strength, His patience, His abundant supply of EVERYTHING that I couldn't give myself.

These new set of glasses have also opened the eyes to my heart, and as a result, God revealed to me weeds that were growing in what I thought was a beautiful garden (my heart). Weeds of bitterness, pride, self-sufficiency, impatience, and discontentment (among the few) were choking out everything that I once was...happy, joyful, peaceful, thankful, and loving. I won't lie...getting adjusted to new glasses and having open heart surgery wasn't easy and some days it was just painful.  Growing and stretching causes pain, but as I look back, it probably could have been less painful if I hadn't resisted some of the change along the way.  But all in all, it has been worth it!  I am free from standing at the wishing well wondering if God will do for me what He has proven to do with so many other women who were infertile.  I am free from the torment of seeing pregnant women waddle through the grocery store, or having that gut wrenching feeling that came when hearing of yet other pregnancy announcement.  Don't get me wrong, there are some days I just want to hide under a rock and wave the white flag, but I have learned to recognize my "need" for God in these moments and that's usually when He fills my "emptiness" by wiping away the smudges on my eye glasses so that I can see clearly again the blessings He has in store for me.  It is only when I recognize my "need", that He is able to fill what is "empty"...

So as I reflect and look back, "emptiness" can be used to describe myself in 2012.  "Neediness" is what I discovered I am in 2013, and as I look forward to what will be revealed to me in 2014, God has shown me the word "abundance".  I believe that 2014 will be a year of God's abundant supply in my life.

I want to mention that God spoke to me three verses for the year 2014 several days ago, and I jotted them down in my journal. As I looked back at them today, I can't help but be in awe as to how God's word of  "abundance" spoken today, coincides with the verses He spoke to me last week...

"The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity--in the fruit of your womb..." ~Deuteronomy 28:11

"You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless..."~Deuteronomy 7:14

"The Lord will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give you the rain to your season, and to bless the work of your hand..." ~Deuteronomy 28:17

As you venture into the New Year, I encourage you to let God give you a new set of eye glasses to see the "unseen", as well as see the "neediness" you have for Him in your situation.  It is only when you recognize your neediness for Him, that He is able to pour His abundance into your emptiness.