Is Infertility Eating Away at Your Marriage?

     Throughout the “infertility journey” as many call it, one of the biggest challenges you might face is maintaining and protecting your marriage.  During the first two years of our infertility struggle, I had let the enemy, who is like a moth, slowly eat away at my marriage without even noticing.  He didn’t take big bites or cause us to contemplate divorce.  He just took little bites here and there that caused tension, fights, and a lack of interest in one another.  This is how the enemy works.  He never comes at you full force, but always in a sly and sneaky attack so that you don’t notice or even recognize until it becomes too late.  But one day in 2012, I stepped back and looked in the “mirror” at the “holes” the moth (enemy) had eaten in our marriage.  Communicating with one another felt more like walking on egg shells and our love life had become almost mechanical.  The desire to conceive a baby had become more of a priority to me than maintaining and protecting our marriage.  

  With problems such as infertility, thoughts and emotions are running in high gear and you must realize that husbands are not the best at communicating their thoughts or emotions, especially when it comes to infertility.  Your husband hurts just as much as you do, but he doesn’t want to talk about it as much as you do.  Often times, I feel like Daniel is sleeping through our crisis because he isn’t talking about it and whenever we are, he isn’t engaging in full conversation.  It often feels like he isn’t hurting at the depth or same level of intensity that I am and I have to realize this and be okay with it.  The Bible says in Proverbs 30:16 that the barren womb is one of three things never satisfied; therefore my hurt is going to be deeper and more intense than my husbands.  So cut your husband some slack if he doesn’t initiate or want to have long and deep conversations about your quest for children.  And don’t expect or get upset when he doesn’t see the pregnant lady on every corner or pick up books and magazine articles related to infertility.     

       Since wives do have the stronger desire to have children it is important to not let the husband get lost in the shuffle and feel like he doesn’t matter to your already established “family” of two.  In the Bible, Hannah’s husband said it best in 1 Samuel 1:8; he said, “Hannah why are you weeping?  Why don’t you eat?  Why are you downhearted?  Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”  It’s very important to always make your husband feel that while you don’t have children yet, the time you have now with him is just as special and fulfilling.  He needs to know that he still completes you (aside from God of course). 

While you are wired to have a strong desire to have children, your husband is wired to “fix” problems and “save the day”.  So let him be SUPERMAN!  Men love to play the role of superhero and dash in to save their damsel in distress.  I understand they can’t “fix” the problem or erase your pain, but when they try with their “band aid” words or lean over to give you a hug or a simple kiss on the forehead, let him.  Don’t shove him away or yell at him for his efforts.  I understand their strategy may not be great, but their motives are pure.  

Just like your husband is wired to be SUPERMAN, God has wired him to be the head of the household and as his wife you are supposed to be submissive.  EEK!  Red flags are going up everywhere!  Yes I used the word “submissive” and submission can be an unsettling concept.  Since it is our body and we are the ones with the strong desire to satisfy our womb, it is natural that we want to “run the infertility show” but you have to remember you are not the director.  Ephesians 5:22-24 states that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands…”  While my opinions often conflict with Daniel’s, God set him in authority over our family and I need to trust and respect him and let the Lord lead our family through him.  It’s hard to hold back sometimes when I hear of a new medical doctor, procedure, diet, or vitamin to take and Daniel gives a flat out no, or even says he wants to take time to prayerfully seek more answers.  My marriage vows are to my husband, not to the doctors or anything else.  I understand that some of you reading may be married to a man not striving to live for God and I suggest praying to God for a balance in submitting to your husband and seeking God’s will for your life.  I also understand that many husbands have not taken the leadership role in the area of your fertility.  I challenge you to allow your husband to take the leadership role God has given and even if he doesn’t take it, resist the urge to make all of the decisions.  Whenever you present him with an idea, ask him to pray about it before giving you his opinion or answer.  Your husband’s decision’s may not always be “correct” ones or ones you think are “correct”, but trust that God is leading your husband down the right path.  I believe when you honor God’s command to submit to your husband then he will not only bless your marriage,  but pour other blessings on you in your life.

It’s no doubt that trying to conceive can cause many stressors in the marriage.  But you have to be diligent to not let it stress or put a damper on your intimacy with one another.  During the first two years of our quest for children, the purpose of intimacy was no longer to share our love, but to produce a baby; not to enjoy each other, but to accomplish a goal.  I would often schedule our time together based upon the reading of an ovulation predictor stick and whether we felt like it or not, we did the “duty”.  My thoughts were focused on the baby I hoped to conceive.  No more romance.  No more spontaneity.  No more passion.  It was strictly business and not pleasure.  While I completely understand the importance of “timing” it is important to remember that if timing continually eclipses marital enjoyment, then there is a problem.  You don’t want your husband to feel frustrated or “used” because you seem uninterested in sex all month long, then suddenly become aggressive in the bedroom when ovulation time comes.  Your husband wants to be pursued for more than just his sperm.  Furthermore, God intended the marriage bed not only for procreation and for pleasure, but also for comfort.  Do your best to keep your bedroom a safe haven or refuge from the stresses of fertility challenges.

I know the desperation to increase your family is real and often times unbearable, but the relationship to your husband must remain a higher priority.  What good is it to bring children into a family when your marriage is falling apart as a result of the trying to have children?  It is important that with or without children, you strive to bless one another.