Am I Seeing Double?!?!

Last month (June 2013) I waited in anticipation for my menstrual cycle to begin.  I didn't have the normal signs that it was starting soon and I got excited.  The first day I was late I tried to hold out on taking a pregnancy test but just couldn't resist...so I took one that afternoon.  Daniel was out of town on a camping trip and I'm a "closet tester" so I wanted to test before he got home. I never tell anyone when I am testing and I ALWAYS do it in secret.  Not because I am afraid of a "negative" but because when I do finally get that "positive" I want to tell the world in the most creative way possible. :)

So on June 2nd I took a test (First Response Six Days Sooner) that afternoon and it was negative.  I was angry and mad at God.  I felt like my emotions were being played with.  I even wrote a blog about my experience that day under the title "Under Construction" (

(http://holdingontothepromisesandexpectations.blogspot.com/2013/06/under-construction.html)

But then the next day passed and my cycle didn't start...this continued for another four days before I decided it was time for another test (First Response Six Days Sooner)...and to my surprise I saw a faint line.  I KNOW exactly what a negative test looks like...I have been there where I have spent lots of time analyzing and trying to create a line.  I have held in the light, took it to a nightlight, placed it in the sunlight...never have I seen a positive line after trying naturally.  But with this test, I could see a faint line.  I was super excited.  I cried and immediately began coming up with creative ways to tell Daniel and my family.  But at the same time I doubted the "faint" line.  I had lots of cramps (as if my cycle was starting) and some other symptoms that I usually get right before my cycle begins.  In addition, I was five days late and I just kept thinking the line should have been darker.

I waited until the next day and took another test.  I saw the same faint line...a little more visible but not really.  So I went to Walmart and purchased several other brands.  But I didn't see a positive line with the EPT or Clearblue Digital, so I got disappointed again but still felt within me I was pregnant.  While praying I kept feeling as though something wasn't right (as though the devil was trying to take something from me) and that I needed to pray/fight the devil with the Word of God...but my mind and natural circumstances kept telling me..."the line was faint...the other two tests were negative...you are not pregnant so no need to waste time fighting the devil with words/prayer".

The next afternoon, I decided to take another test.  Once again, I saw a faint line but this time Daniel was home.  He was laying on the couch reading a book and I walked in holding the pregnancy test in my hand and asked him to come to the light and look at something.  I should have thought how this would look because the look of excitement is still engrained in my mind.  Once I saw the look I immediately said...No!  I'm not pregnant!"  Why on earth would I say that after I had been speaking to my H.O.P.E.group about the power of our words?!?  Silly me!!

I took him to the bathroom and asked him to tell me what he saw.  He said, "Well, I see a really dark line."  I responded with, "Yes, but do you see anything before that line?"  He looked for a second (not long) and said, "Yeah I see a faint line.".  I then pulled out the two other positive tests that I had taken that week and said, "I had two other positives but yet I think I am going to start my period."

All week, I had let my natural circumstances of only having "faint" lines (not dark ones) and symptoms of my cycle starting dictate how I felt, how I spoke, and what I thought.

I know that what I probably had was a chemical pregnancy.  I also know that during the nine days that I was late, I felt in my spirit that I was pregnant but I let my natural circumstances dictate my words, thoughts, feelings, and actions.  I was not walking by faith...

From this experience I learned several lessons:

1.  When you have that "thought" to pray/speak God's Word just do it anyway.  Don't rely on your feelings or natural circumstances.  What would it have hurt?

2.  When you have those thoughts that something isn't right, then call upon a friend who can pray for you and intercede on your behalf as well.  Don't hide it, keep it a secret, or ignore the situation thinking you can handle it on your own.

3.  Don't go by your natural circumstances!  God can change your natural in a split second if you have faith and act on that faith

4.  After some research, I learned a chemical pregnancy occurs when there are abnormal chromosomes.  I learned from my fertility specialist over a year ago that my eggs have abnormal chromosomes.  I had been praying for the last several weeks for ovulation but didn't concentrate too much on "perfect eggs with perfect chromosomes".  I have now added that to my list of prayers (and if you are praying for me please add this to your list as well)

5.  I do ovulate and I was able to get pregnant...even if it was a chemical pregnancy.  It was my first "faint" positive since trying naturally (no fertility treatments) and even though it didn't turn out like I would have liked, I am taking the lessons from it and moving forward.  I will be bolder and I refuse to let the devil take anything away from me again.  I don't think he has realized how much of a fighter I am.

 

Below is a link the H.O.P.E. facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/HOPE/434401456655733?ref=br_tf