My Journey from Hoplessness to H.O.P.E.

My Journey from hopelessness to H.O.P.E

My husband, Daniel, and I were married in August 2006 right after I graduated from Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville with a Bachelor’s degree in Social Work.  Daniel was still attending school at the University of Florida majoring in Civil Engineering and due to a lack of space in our 475 square foot apartment, as well as a lack of extra money, birth control was a MUST.  However, by January 2007 my free six month supply of birth control had run out and because we did not have any extra money (and my fear of visiting the OB/GYN--no one ever likes this type of doctor visit), I decided to take my chances of getting pregnant and not use protection.  But instead of pregnancy, I got irregular menstrual cycles, 15 extra pounds, and cystic pimples on my face, excess sweating, and hair growth on my chin…all within 2-3 months!  I felt awful about myself and did not understand what was going on with my body.   I attributed the weight gain to too much hamburger helper and some of the symptoms to stress related to my job as a case worker for the Department of Children and Family Services; but the symptoms were still there and became even worse after I quit my job that summer of 2007. 

It was not until April 2010, after watching an episode on Oprah featuring Dr. Oz that I decided to finally make a trip to an OB/GYN to figure out what was happening.  (I know, I know!  I should have gone sooner.)  Dr. Oz was talking to women in the audience about infertility and Polycysic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  I had every symptom of PCOS!  I also found it odd that despite “not trying” but also “not preventing” we had not conceived in three years. 

When I walked into the Doctor’s office in Gainesville, Florida and told the doctor my symptoms, and the fact that we had not used protection since January 2007, his eyes got HUGE and said it sounded like I had PCOS and any other normal woman not using protection would have had two or three children already.  This was not exactly the news I wanted to hear.  He stated that my body had a hormonal imbalance and therefore put me back on birth control to “put my them back on track”.   At the end of the appointment he informed me that I would have a difficult time getting pregnant, but if I did get pregnant I would be considered “high risk” due to high blood pressure; and gestational diabetes.  He also said that I would most likely miscarry before the first trimester was over.  YIKES! However, since I did not want to start a family at that moment, I took the information he gave me (not worrying much about it) and went about my day.  From that moment on, whenever I was asked why I did not have children, I would tell them I had PCOS and that even if I did get pregnant I would miscarry.  I wish I knew then what I know now in regards to the power of your words.  I should have not believed in the doctor’s report but rather the report of my Savior, which is that I am not a barren woman and I am healed and made whole.  Looking back, I believe the devil used my own words against me.  Proverbs 12:21 (NIV) states, “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity (disaster or distress).” 

July of 2010, Daniel and I moved to Evansville, Indiana to be closer to family.  I was not feeling well on the birth control my previous doctor had prescribed, so I made an appointment with a wonderful OB/GYN at the Women’s Center.  She ordered a vaginal ultrasound and blood work in order to see how severe my PCOS had become.  In April 2011, after my tests were completed, my doctor did a follow up appointment with me and said that my PCOS was very severe and that if I did not want to have children, she would recommend my ovaries be removed.  I had so many cysts surrounding both of my ovaries that it looked like a pearl necklace.  She informed me that it would be difficult for me to become pregnant naturally and asked if I wanted to be referred to a fertility specialist.  Since we had never “technically” tried (charted/timed) I told her that I wanted to come off the birth control and try on my own for a few months.  She gave me until August 2011 to become pregnant on my own and then suggested I see a fertility specialist “due to my age” because she did not want to waste any time.  At this point I was upset, but I do not think I fully grasped what she was telling me.  

May, June, July, and August came and went and I was still not pregnant.   In October 2011, I followed my OB/GYN’s advice and visited a fertility specialist she had recommended.  He met with us and ordered more blood work and tests in order to make sure my other reproductive organs were working properly (and they were).  Daniel was even tested and according to the nurse, he had a “VERY strong army of soldiers”. 

In January 2012, I began my first set of fertility treatments.  The doctor determined that my eggs were not maturing and ovulating; therefore, I injected myself once a day with a type of hormone to mature my eggs and once they were mature enough, I injected myself with another type of hormone to ovulated the egg…and then we were instructed on when to have intercourse.  However, February came and I was not pregnant.  I was devastated because I thought the problem was fixed.  The doctor diagnosed my problem…he gave me medicine…all was well.  Or so I thought.  

In February, the doctor increased my dosage but this caused me to make over 15 mature eggs and due to not wanting to be another octomom we aborted this month’s cycle of timed intercourse.  As a result of the first dosage in January not creating a decent size mature egg and the dosage in February creating too many eggs, the doctor told me that In Vitro-Fertilization (IVF) was my only chance of conceiving a child.  I was scared, worried, and in panic mode.  Not to mention I wanted a baby and I wanted one NOW.  I had never considered IVF before and when I started this process I firmly told the doctor that my husband and I did not want to do IVF.  (Those who have done IVF please do not take offense—I personally did not feel comfortable going down that path).  But here I was sitting in the consultation room going against my gut.  At this point, the doctors had become my idols.  I had put a majority of my hope, faith and trust in them instead of God.  When I prayed, I would ask God to bless me with a child but my confidence was in the doctors.  

In March, I began injecting myself with five different shots a day in order to create as many mature eggs as possible for the egg retrieval.  On May 3^rd, 2012 I had 24 eggs removed from my ovaries but after the surgery I developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation and could not walk, roll over, and it hurt to eat.  I had gained nine pounds of fluid in 48 hours and I was miserable.

            On May 8^th, I had two fertilized eggs transferred back inside my uterus (all others died before day 5).  On May 14th (Monday), due to feeling nauseas and just having that “feeling” I decided to take a home pregnancy test, despite knowing it was too early to tell and the fact that my blood test was not scheduled until the following Monday.  But as soon as I took the test, both lines showed up immediately.  I could not believe it! I cried! I was in shock!  A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my dream had finally come to a reality.  I did not tell Daniel because I wanted it confirmed with the blood test.  So, later that afternoon, I called the doctor’s office and asked them if I could move up my blood test appointment.  The nurse informed me it was too early and the numbers would be too low to show pregnancy but I told her that I had already used a home pregnancy test (three by this time) and all three stated I was pregnant.  She was shocked and told me to come in that Thursday as my numbers would be high enough to confirm pregnancy.  

            I went in Thursday for my blood test (still had not said anything to Daniel) and the results were indeed that I was pregnant.  I knew that because of our long journey I had to tell Daniel in the most creative way possible.  So I took two honey buns and placed them in the middle of the oven with signs on them that read…”There is a bun in the oven.  Maybe two!”   When Daniel came home from work, I met him in the yard with an oven rack in my hand and I told him that I was cleaning the oven and could not get the rack back inside.  He took the rack from my hands and opened up the oven door...I was prepared with a camera and was able to catch his expression on film.  It was the happiest moment in our married life.  

            We went back two days later for another blood test to ensure my numbers were increasing.  I can honestly say I had no worries or even thoughts that my numbers had not doubled.  But three hours after having my blood drawn I received a phone call that changed my world forever.  I will never forget where we were…we were crossing the Wabash Bridge and the nurse said, “I’m sorry but your numbers have actually dropped.”  My response was only, “Oh they have…?”  She asked that I come back on Monday for another blood test to ensure they were indeed dropping but otherwise to expect a miscarriage with heavy bleeding in the next several days.  From that moment on my entire day was a blur.  I had not even had a chance to tell my mom and dad I was pregnant; I had to tell them I WAS (past tense) pregnant and miscarrying all in the same sentence.  I also remember coming home and Daniel and I crawling into bed (at 11am) and just crying until we fell asleep.  I woke up that evening and kept thinking it all had to be a nightmare.  But it was not.  It was my reality and all I could think about was that I NEED to do IVF again and soon.  I scheduled an appointment for that following week and was already planning on doing another round of fertility treatments.  Despite the IVF failure, I still placed my hope to become pregnant in the doctors and IVF.

            But God had other plans for my life because the following day on my way home from church I was crying and I was angry with God.   But that was when God told me in my spirit I would have a son and to name him Josiah.  Josiah?!?!  No offense to anyone named Josiah, but I knew no one with that name and I did not particularly care for it.  Daniel and I had already decided if we were to have a boy we would name him Elijah Scott.  But when I got home, I decided to Google the meaning of the name Josiah and in Hebrew it means “Jehovah healed”.  At that moment I began sobbing because I knew the voice my spirit heard was God and I had the revelation that God did not just want me to have a child, but He also wanted me healed.  He wanted me to have the whole package because that is His nature and character.  From that day forward, my prayers switched from “God please give me a child” to “God please heal me and make me whole”.  

            Later that day, we had a special “healing” service at church (Crossroads Bible Church).  After the message was over, I went up front for prayer and the ministering couple I walked up to had received a word of knowledge/scripture for “someone” but decided to not share it until after they listened to me and prayed for me.  Once I shared my story the woman told me the scripture she had heard was for me.  The scripture was Isaiah 65:20 (NIV) “Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days.”  I believe that day God promised me two things.  One- I would have a son and to name him Josiah.  Two-I would never again miscarry.  What an awesome day!

            That week I did go ahead to the doctor’s appointment, but not to start the IVF process again but because I wanted to hear what the doctor thought went wrong (I was curious).  The doctor informed me that out of 24 eggs, only the two he transferred made it to “day 5” and even those two eggs did not survive.   He stated that my eggs were “like a 60 year old woman” and he does not see this in young people often unless their PCOS is too severe.  He also said there were probably too many chromosomal abnormalities and therefore suggested I do IVF again, but this time pay $5000 more in order to perform chromosome testing on each fertilized egg before they were implanted; if there were any “chromosomal abnormalities” then he would discard the fertilized egg.  This made me angry!  I knew at that moment there was no way I was going to do IVF again.  Lots of babies are born with chromosomal abnormalities and I did not want a doctor “discarding” them as if they were nothing.  I went home that afternoon and cried because I felt hopeless again.  

            From that day on, I believed God would heal me and I would have a son, but in a “wishy washy” sort of way.  I did everything in the flesh in order to receive my miracle or “help” God because I still felt as though it were up to me and what I could do in the flesh to receive my healing and son Josiah.   I charted, timed, used ovulation prediction kits, fertility monitors, took vitamins, and ate a low carb diet…you name it and I did it.  I also did everything I knew in the spiritual…I fasted, I prayed, I declared, and I had scriptures plastered on pieces of paper all over the house.  But nothing was working and I was becoming more frustrated.  I was still striving in my own efforts rather than resting in what Jesus had already provided for me on the cross.  I was throwing scriptures up in the air, but not truly sewing them into my heart and making them alive and real to me and my situation.  My hope and faith in God was still “maybe he will”, “maybe he won’t”.

            In July 2012, God kept speaking to me the words “healing” and “helping others”.  But I could never grasp what God was saying “exactly” or what I needed to do.  So out of frustration of not hearing anymore from God, I put it on the shelf.  

In September/October 2012, I had a dream.  It involved Pastor Chad, and I thought it was hilarious so I posted it on his Facebook wall.  The dream was this:  Pastor Chad was preaching and I was sitting in church trying to hear what he was teaching, but there were two older ladies behind me who kept talking.  In my dream, Pastor Chad looked at me and asked me a question.  I panicked and told him I did not hear the question and therefore could not answer because of the two ladies behind me talking.  I expected him to ask someone else or even repeat the question, but instead he just continued to glare and he never took his eyes off me.  The dream then switched to him telling me I would have a baby named “Neb”.  End of dream.  Funny right?  A woman in the church who has the gift of interpreting dreams just happened to be on his Facebook wall that day and saw my post (she did not know me or my situation).  She knew immediately what my dream meant and asked Pastor Chad if it was okay to message me with the interpretation.   Her interpretation was this:  she said that Pastor Chad represented the Lord in my dream, and that he was asking me to do something.   But I was letting too much “noise” keep me from hearing what he was saying.  She said that babies birthed in dreams represent a ministry; therefore, God was asking me to start a ministry but I was letting other things interfere.  She also stated that the reason why Pastor Chad (the Lord) glared at me and did not look away was because he was not looking to anyone else for this ministry.  Once I read this I immediately began weeping.  She was right!  I knew God was calling me to a ministry, but what ministry?  What was it God was asking me to do?  I kept going back to July when he was speaking the words “healing” and “helping others” but I did not know how or what or with whom; therefore, still not knowing immediately what it all meant, and instead of seeking…I am ashamed to say, I once again put it on the shelf.  

            At this time, I was taking the medicine, Metformin, to help my blood sugar levels because with PCOS your hormones are imbalanced, including your insulin; which ultimately affects your reproductive hormones.  Daniel did not want me taking the medicine and to be honest, I didn’t have peace about it either.  Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT against medicine, but in my spirit I felt like God was saying He wanted to show himself “strong” through me and therefore did not want anything to hinder his Glory.  I believe He did not want me doing anything in the flesh so that when my miracle happened I could only point to God.   So in January 2013, I quit taking the Metformin and I quit striving in the flesh (charting, timing, stressing about when my cycle would start and what day I was on in the cycle, etc.).  

Each month I walked by sight and not by my faith because whenever my menstrual cycle would begin or I still saw my symptoms of PCOS, I would look at Daniel and say, “I guess I am not healed yet.”  He always just looked at me and walked away because he knew I had been healed.   He knew according to the Bible in Isaiah 53:5 (NIV) that it states “by his wounds we ARE healed”, but I had not had that revelation yet.  I had the “head knowledge” that I could be healed but it had not been firmly sewn in my heart. I lacked the revelation that healing was a free gift and it was my job to open my free gift and receive. Jesus already paid the price for my healing…he could not take any more stripes for my PCOS …IT WAS FINISHED.

            In February 2013, while praying, it hit me like a ton of bricks!  I finally realized and obtained what God had promised…His Word said that “by His stripes we ARE healed!”  While I had been praying for months and waiting on God to heal me… He was the one waiting on me to use my faith and receive what He had already purchased for me by sending his Son to die on the cross.  His word says in Psalm 113:9 (NIV) “He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children.  Praise the lord!” and in Exodus 23:25-26 (NIV) it says, “Worship the Lord your God and his blessings will be on your food and water.  None will miscarry or be barren in your land.  I will give you a full life span.”  Barrenness was not God’s will for my life.  Through his word, He has promised healing and for me to be fruitful.  Knowing AND having revelation of these promises brought me a new sense of hope that is based upon God’s promises.  God does not lie and I knew that what He said would be fulfilled.  From that moment on I began looking at my situation differently.  The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lived INSIDE of me and it was my job to be empowered and use my faith and my authority through Jesus to speak to my situation and the devil who authored this sickness.  Once I started to exercise my faith by speaking the Word over my situation and body, I started to see my natural change.  My periods were starting to become shorter and my symptoms were starting to decrease.  But most importantly, I had peace and hope in God again!  Because I know without a shadow of a doubt His word would not return void (Isaiah 55:11 (NIV), I was also able to “REST” in Jesus’ finished work on the cross.  The bible verse, “Come to me all who are weary and burden and I will give you rest” means much more to me today.   The devil can hinder but he cannot stop God’s will and according to many scriptures in the Bible, it is God’s will for all to be fruitful and multiply and He also does not show favoritism (Romans 2:11 NIV).  

During this time, I realized God was calling me to help other women struggling with infertility.   God wants to use me to help them get to a place of physical and emotional healing where they can rest and have hope and peace in Him again.  I do not find it a coincidence that I was able to discover what God was calling me to do at the same time that I finally had revelation of God’s Word.  There was no way I was going to help others gain the spiritual possessions of hope, peace and rest if I was not in that place myself.  But I was unsure how to “tackle” this ministry He was calling me to start.  I knew of a few women struggling but I was not sure if they would be open to talking about God and I was fearful of what they would think about my testimony.   Hearing God speak to me the name Josiah and my crazy dream would probably make a few eyebrows go up; so I kept making excuses with God as to why I could not start a ministry/support group yet.   

It was not long after my own personal revelation that I received a Facebook message from another woman in my church who was also struggling with infertility and heard I was also having problems.  I shared with her my struggle and how I was at a place of rest and I had found true hope in God again.  No longer did my monthly menstrual cycle consume me and make me depressed for days and I was no longer angry at God; nor did I doubt His character anymore.   I  KNEW the promises written in His Word and I knew He was not a liar.  He was faithful.  Don’t get me wrong…I knew these Bible verses before February 2013 and I knew He was not a liar and faithful, but it was all “head knowledge”.  However once it became revelation, it went from “head knowledge” to inside my spirit and the Word of God became more alive to me than what my natural circumstances were saying.  His Word said I was not a barren woman, and so that is what I was going to speak out loud despite what I felt or thought. (By doing this, I was exercising my faith).  

            I was very excited about her messaging me because I felt as though it was the beginning stages of the ministry forming, but I still did not have a “clear” direction and I was terrified.   I was terrified of failing; being vulnerable and I did not like the idea of being opened up to criticism.  So I kept making excuses with God as to why it was not time for this ministry to begin.  I kept telling God that I would start the ministry once I was pregnant.  But every time I said that, it did not feel right.  God wanted others to see my journey so that they would KNOW He did my miracle and the only thing I did was seek Him, have hope in Him, and exercise my faith by acting out what I believed.  

            In March, I had another crazy dream; and because once again it was funny, I decided to post it on my Facebook wall.  I can still see the dream in my head as if it were real and happened yesterday.  In this dream I had given birth, but the baby had LOTS of teeth and a head full of hair.  Not just baby hair, but hair like a man.  It was the ugliest baby I had ever seen, and Daniel was so proud of him.  He kept taking him places and showing him off but I was embarrassed of my new baby.  Also in the dream I told the nurse I was afraid that since the baby had so many teeth that he would bite my nipple off but the nurses' eyes got big and she said, "Honey, I would be worried he will bleed to death!"  End of dream.   

That same day, while I was praying and doing dishes, God spoke to me and He said that He needed someone in the United States to share with women struggling with infertility that He is the God of hope.  Women have lost TRUE biblical hope and without hope in God’s promises and faith that He would fulfill the promises He has spoken in his Word, then He could not work through them.  He said that He wanted to show Himself “strong”.  He brought me to 2 Chronicles 16:9 (KJV) “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew Himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.”

That evening, a woman in church (not knowing my situation) came up to me and said she had seen by Facebook post and knew what my dream meant.  She said that babies birthed in dreams meant ministry (at this point I started crying) and the reason why the baby looks like an adult is because this ministry God is speaking to me about will not be a “baby” for long and it will grow really fast.  This terrified me even more and once again I ran away from God’s calling.  I kept making excuses and arguing with God as to why I was not qualified or ready to do this and I kept asking Him for more time; but a quiet voice would always whisper back, “the time is now.”

I can take the dream a bit further by explaining that during this process of God speaking to me about this ministry Daniel was very encouraging and wanted me to start sharing with others my testimony, but I was the one ashamed and embarrassed.  I have lots of friends struggling with infertility but I was not sure how receptive they would be in regards to hearing what God had shown and spoken to me—but I was embarrassed.  

            That following Sunday, a missionary from Thailand came to our church and spoke about arising, standing, and stretching.  She kept saying that God wanted to show Himself strong and put Crossroads Bible Church on the map but He needed people to arise, stand, and stretch in the ministry He is calling us to do.  She said that God wants us to stretch out and our miracle would be on the other side. She was emphasizing to not be afraid because He will give us the blue print for our ministry if we just “stretch”.  I knew God was speaking to me but I was still afraid of failure and looking crazy…my spirit was willing but my flesh was weak and scared.  

            The following week the devil began attacking me through doubt because I was questioning whether or not I had actually heard the name “Josiah”.  I told God that this promise had sustained me to this point but I was not pregnant yet and I doubted whether or not I had actually heard His voice.  But God is always faithful to answer our prayers because that Friday night, while attending Chic night, I was being prayed for and all of a sudden the women began praying for my womb (many did not know me or my situation).  One woman in particular (who I had never spoken to before) blurted out with such enthusiasm, “God said you are going to have a son!”  God was reassuring me through this woman that I was not crazy.  My first reaction was to say, “I know this!  But did He tell you when?!?!?!”  But I didn’t ask…I instead just thanked and praised God for sending His word through this woman.  I want to mention that also during this time, many women heard the number ten as soon as they touched me.  I know that numbers are very significant in the Bible, so I came home and Goggled the Biblical meaning of the number and it means, “Divine order, completion of a cycle, and not wanting.”  

The next week during my quiet time in the morning, I asked God for two things. First, I asked Him to tell me why He has told me twice that I would have a son, but yet, I have no son; it was as though He was dangling a carrot in front of me.  Second, I asked Him for more knowledge (i.e. why did the women hear the number ten?).  After staring into space for a few minutes, He took me to the book of Isaiah and as I glanced through it the words of Isaiah 48 jumped out at me like they were the only words on the page.  The title of chapter 48 said “God’s Stubborn People”.  Well…that was for sure me, so I kept reading. 

Isaiah 48: 5 (NLT) said, “That is why I told you what would happen; I told you beforehand what I was going to do; Then you could never say, ‘My idols did it. My wooden image and metal god commanded it to happen!’ 

Remember how I said earlier the doctors were my idols?  If God had not told me of Josiah on May 20, 2012, I would have definitely tried IVF and anything else the doctors would have suggested.  God knew I was stubborn and needed to tell me His plans so that I could not say, “My doctors did this” but instead, “Look at what God did!”    I continued reading…  

Isaiah 48: 6-7 (NLT) “…Now I will tell you new things, secrets you have not yet heard.  They are brand new, not things from the past.  So you cannot say, ‘We knew that all the time!”  

God had answered both my questions!  

But I kept reading and Isaiah 48:8-11 (NLT) spoke to me as well, “Yes, I will tell you of things that are entirely new, things you never heard of before.  For I know so well what traitors you are.  You have been rebels from birth.  Yet for my own sake and for the honor of my name, I will hold back my anger and not wipe you out.  I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.  Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.  I will rescue you for my sake—yes, for my own sake I will not let my reputation be tarnished, and I will not share my glory with idols!”  

What was God saying to me through this?  I believe that I have been stubborn in regards to obeying God and thankfully he has withheld his anger from me.  In addition, I also believe He has been refining me, but not as silver (silver in the Bible means knowledge and wisdom) because I did not come out on the other side of my struggle of hopelessness, fear and doubt through knowledge and wisdom but rather through my suffering.  For months I suffered, and it was through my suffering that I finally had the knowledge and wisdom.  

·        Side note:  God’s word is alive and living and He speaks to us through His word. If you ever want to hear Him speak to you I recommend opening up your Bible.  

Still going back and forth with the ministry, I remembered what the woman said when she interpreted my first dream.  She said that whenever Pastor Chad (who represented the Lord) was glaring at me it was because he was not going to take his eyes off me or look to anyone else.   I knew that if I kept running, I was not going to have peace and I was in disobedience to God.  This is a scary place and I did not want to be disobedient any longer to Lord. So I finally just threw my hands up in the air and said, “I am willing.”

I was still in the business of “making deals” with God and told Him that I would do it, but I needed a blueprint.  I also told Him that I wanted to start with the ladies in the church before opening it up to the public.  I had peace about only starting with the women in church (I already had one lady wanting to join the group) and it was that same week that I heard of another woman in the church who had been struggling with secondary infertility for six years.  I was excited!  I spoke with her and she told me that she had just told her husband the day before that she had “lost hope”.  Wow!!  Hope!  That’s exactly what God had said He wanted me to speak to the ladies about.  But also in her story, she had mentioned that ten months ago someone prophesied over her that she would have a son.  Did she just say the number ten?!?!  Also, she had two people come up to her in the last couple of weeks telling her she had given birth to a baby.  Remember, babies birthed in dreams means ministry…was she supposed to be involved in this new ministry that was forming?   After talking to her, I was more excited about this group because it seemed like it was all coming together quickly. (By the way, it was ten months ago when God began speaking to me about “healing” and “helping others). 

The next morning I woke up and had a knot in my stomach.  I could hear God speak to me (no, not an audible voice, but rather speaking to my spirit)…He said, “Good!  You have some ladies from the church, now make it public and draw in others.”  Um, what!?!?!  But that’s not the deal I made!  I was still afraid of what others' outside the "church" would think of me but once again, God sent someone to speak to me.  A woman in our church came up to me at our Merge service that Saturday night and said God was speaking to her and wanted to share 2 Timothy 1:8-9 with me.  It says..  “So never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord. And don’t be ashamed of me, either, even though I’m in prison for him. With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the sake of the Good News.  For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus.” 

I was ashamed and God was “calling me out” so to speak.  So I mustered up all the courage I could and trusted that since everything else was working out perfectly that He would take care of all my fears.  So I faced my fears and made a Facebook post inviting others.  I felt exposed (not many knew of my struggles, crazy dreams, Josiah, and my passion for the ministry) and I do not take criticism well so this was a scary step for me.   God has revealed to me why He wanted me to “recruit” the ladies in my church first and that is because He knows that in this journey many women will come to this group “looking for a baby” but this group is not about seeking His promises only but about seeking the one who made the promises (God).  God knows that at times I might be backed up against the wall with tough questions about Him and I will need other Christian women to help me when I feel as though I cannot explain.  

I knew I needed a name for the group and I had some good ones (or so I thought).  I had thought about using “Created for Fruitfulness” and “Restored to Fruitfulness” because they sound good right?  But God kept bringing me back to the word “hope” since that is what He wanted me to emphasize on.  But I thought “hope” was boring.  So I decided I would use it, but it needed to have an acronym.  I spent hours trying to find words to spell out hope that related to the group but I could not come up with anything I liked and was frustrated.  I finally said, “FINE!  I will use the word hope.”  I even told God it was good but boring.  Within five minutes of me not stressing about the name, it hit me and without thinking, I said out loud, “Holding On to the Promises and Expectations”.  PERFECT!  God needed me to get out of the way (quit thinking so hard on what I wanted) so He could speak to me.  The definition of biblical hope means to be strong and confident in God’s promises and expectations.  How perfect!

God has given me a blueprint and He wants his baby girls to know that He is the God of hope.  He wants us to have true biblical hope in Him; hope that is not “wishy washy” in thinking that He may or may not do for me but hope that is strong and confident that he WILL do for me because he promised it in his Word.  Hope + Faith will release God’s power into your life!  According to Hosea 4:6 (NIV), God’s people are “destroyed (fail, be unsuccessful, tired, weakened) by lack of knowledge”.  Many women do not know the promises of God or that He is the God of hope and therefore, they are being destroyed.  They are also being destroyed because they do not know how to exercise their faith.  I am still fearful at times but I know this ministry is from God and with God all things are possible.    

·        Side note:  At our first meeting I was sharing with the ladies about the verses from Isaiah 48 and one of the ladies said she felt like she needed to keep reading and God was speaking to me through verses 17-19 which says:  

“This is what the Lord says—your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow.  Oh, that you had listened to my commands!  Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea.  Your descendants would have been like the sands along the seashore—too many to count!  There would have been no need for your destruction or for cutting off your family name.”

This is saying to me that possibly if I had listened to God earlier and obeyed his commands, I would have had peace sooner and maybe Josiah would have been conceived quicker.  Pastor Chad once said in a sermon that Obedience consequence is blessing.  Disobedience consequence is curse.  God is not sitting up in heaven with blessings in one hand and curses in the other.  But I do believe that when we are not obeying and following His will and “path” for our life then he cannot bless us and we are therefore on “open” to the devil.