With problems such as infertility, thoughts
and emotions are running in high gear and you must realize that husbands are
not the best at communicating their thoughts or emotions, especially when it
comes to infertility. Your husband hurts
just as much as you do, but he doesn’t want to talk about it as much as you
do. Often times, I feel like Daniel is
sleeping through our crisis because he isn’t talking about it and whenever we
are, he isn’t engaging in full conversation.
It often feels like he isn’t hurting at the depth or same level of
intensity that I am and I have to realize this and be okay with it. The Bible says in Proverbs 30:16 that the barren womb is one of three things
never satisfied; therefore my hurt is going to be deeper and more intense than
my husbands. So cut your husband some
slack if he doesn’t initiate or want to have long and deep conversations about your quest for children. And don’t expect or get upset when he doesn’t
see the pregnant lady on every corner or pick up books and magazine articles
related to infertility.
Since wives do have the stronger desire to have children
it is important to not let the husband get lost in the shuffle and feel like he
doesn’t matter to your already established “family” of two. In the Bible, Hannah’s husband said it best
in 1 Samuel 1:8; he said, “Hannah why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” It’s very important to always make your
husband feel that while you don’t have children yet, the time you have now with
him is just as special and fulfilling.
He needs to know that he still completes you (aside from God of course).
While
you are wired to have a strong desire to have children, your husband is wired
to “fix” problems and “save the day”. So
let him be SUPERMAN! Men love to play
the role of superhero and dash in to save their damsel in distress. I understand they can’t “fix” the problem or
erase your pain, but when they try with their “band aid” words or lean over to
give you a hug or a simple kiss on the forehead, let him. Don’t shove him away or yell at him for his
efforts. I understand their strategy may
not be great, but their motives are pure.
Just
like your husband is wired to be SUPERMAN, God has wired him to be the head of
the household and as his wife you are supposed to be submissive. EEK!
Red flags are going up everywhere!
Yes I used the word “submissive” and submission can be an unsettling
concept. Since it is our body and we are
the ones with the strong desire to satisfy our womb, it is natural that we want
to “run the infertility show” but you have to remember you are not the
director. Ephesians 5:22-24 states that
wives are supposed to submit to their husbands…” While my opinions often conflict with
Daniel’s, God set him in authority over our family and I need to trust and
respect him and let the Lord lead our family through him. It’s hard to hold back sometimes when I hear
of a new medical doctor, procedure, diet, or vitamin to take and Daniel gives a
flat out no, or even says he wants to take time to prayerfully seek more
answers. My marriage vows are to my husband,
not to the doctors or anything else. I
understand that some of you reading may be married to a man not striving to
live for God and I suggest praying to God for a balance in submitting to your
husband and seeking God’s will for your life.
I also understand that many husbands have not taken the leadership role
in the area of your fertility. I
challenge you to allow your husband to take the leadership role God has given
and even if he doesn’t take it, resist the urge to make all of the
decisions. Whenever you present him with
an idea, ask him to pray about it before giving you his opinion or answer. Your husband’s decision’s may not always be
“correct” ones or ones you think are “correct”, but trust that God is leading
your husband down the right path. I
believe when you honor God’s command to submit to your husband then he will not
only bless your marriage, but pour other
blessings on you in your life.
It’s
no doubt that trying to conceive can cause many stressors in the marriage. But you have to be diligent to not let it stress
or put a damper on your intimacy with one another. During the first two years of our quest for
children, the purpose of intimacy was no longer to share our love, but to
produce a baby; not to enjoy each other, but to accomplish a goal. I would often schedule our time together
based upon the reading of an ovulation predictor stick and whether we felt like
it or not, we did the “duty”. My
thoughts were focused on the baby I hoped to conceive. No more romance. No more spontaneity. No more passion. It was strictly business and not
pleasure. While I completely understand
the importance of “timing” it is important to remember that if timing
continually eclipses marital enjoyment, then there is a problem. You don’t want your husband to feel
frustrated or “used” because you seem uninterested in sex all month long, then
suddenly become aggressive in the bedroom when ovulation time comes. Your husband wants to be pursued for more
than just his sperm. Furthermore, God
intended the marriage bed not only for procreation and for pleasure, but also
for comfort. Do your best to keep your
bedroom a safe haven or refuge from the stresses of fertility challenges.
I
know the desperation to increase your family is real and often times
unbearable, but the relationship to your husband must remain a higher
priority. What good is it to bring
children into a family when your marriage is falling apart as a result of the trying to have children? It is important that with or
without children, you strive to bless one another.
This is amazing! Thanks so much I needed that!
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