Infertility hurts...please don't make it hurt worse

           

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      Infertility hurts.  No matter how strong you are emotionally or how faithful you are in trusting God, the pain of infertility is devastating and real.  There are so many thoughts and emotions that come with the pain…some days I can go all day and not even think about it, and other days it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can hardly breathe.  I know that my emotions are not uncommon because I once read an article that said a person struggling with infertility has the same thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and fear as a person with a terminal illness. WOW!  This article was right on target because my inability to have children feels like an illness that will never go away and it could have the potential to eat me up from the inside out if I allow it.  That same article also suggested that the pain of infertility is similar to the grief of losing a loved one.  But the grief associated with infertility is unique in the sense that it is reoccurring.  Sometimes throughout my week, I grieve the baby that I so desperately want to hold. I grieve the baby who I dream of having my eyes and Daniel’s cute pudgy nose.  But, each month, I the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all and no matter how hard I try to prepare myself for bad news, I still hope that this month will be different.  But then, the bad news does come, and the grief process starts all over again.  It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

            Many times I look to my friends and family for support and encouragement but even they do not know what to say and often times their “advice” just makes the pain worse.  They have no idea the depths to which I grieve.  I know their intentions are good, but their cluelessness or lack of “thinking before speaking” can seem insensitive.  I am writing this blog so that those who do not know what to say to someone facing infertility can have some insight on what causes me and other couples struggling with infertility more heartache.  

            First of all, fertility issues are personal.  If I choose to share with you my struggles and issues, I am placing a deep level of trust in our friendship.  When Daniel and I first learned of the seriousness of our infertility we had only shared it with a few select people and before I knew it, I was being sent facebook messages from people who didn’t even live in the same town as me.  They wanted to offer their condolences and/or advice on the “best ways to conceive”.  I was hurt that my personal information had been shared and shared so quickly.  So please, before passing news along to anyone else, ask my permission.   

Secondly, most fertility related issues are medical problems that often entail MANY complex issues; therefore, please do not offer advice unless I have asked you for it, or the Holy Spirit has prompted you to share it with me.   I have probably already heard and tried techniques such as, Daniel wearing boxer shorts, taking a vacation, acupuncture, fertility smoothies, vitamins, diets, and “other techniques” to improve our chances of conception.  In addition, while I am aware infertility causes stress, it is extremely rare for stress to be the sole cause of it.  So the advice of “just relax” will not cure anyone’s Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Disease, or open blocked fallopian tubes, balance hormones or cure chromosome abnormalities.  While I know the person suggesting this advice is only trying to help, it makes it seem as if they are either minimizing the seriousness of the issue or they do not understand the depths of our problems; and it only reminds us that it is not an “easy fix”. 

Along the lines of offering help or advice, please do not ask me if I have considered adoption or suggest that my infertility will be resolved if I “just adopt.”  While I am sure people know someone who adopted and then got pregnant, adoption does not increase my chances of a future pregnancy.  Also, people who adopt have a strong desire to do so and chances are if you have not heard couples struggling with infertility talk about adopting, then it is likely not a desire for them at the moment.  When adopting, I believe your heart and motives need to be in the right place and they should not adopt just for the sole reason of wanting to fill the void of having a child.  Furthermore, when a couple has a strong, God given desire to have their own biological children and you suggest adoption, it is as if you are telling them to give up on their dream and that God will not supply their heart’s desire.  Don’t get me wrong, adoption is a wonderful way for some infertile couples to become parents; I am just suggesting it is not your place to try to bring it up for discussion or “push” the issue.  

            What do you do when meeting someone new for the first time?  You do not ask if they have children. I ask that you please do not start your conversation with, “So do you have any children?”  While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a deer caught in headlights and it is an immediate reminder that I do not.  It also makes me feel the need to share my infertility issues with you which is something I do not want to do with someone I am just meeting.  Instead, try something open ended such as, “Tell me a little bit about yourself.”  In addition, family members, please do not ask the question, “So when are you going to start having children?”  If a couple is struggling with infertility, this question is a reminder and a punch in the gut that the time is ticking and ticking away.

Many of my friends are pregnant or have recently had children.  I am so excited for them!  Infertility has made me appreciate life so much more.  I would never wish infertility on anyone, so when I hear of others being pregnant it not only gives me hope, but it’s a relief that they will not have to struggle with the same pain that I do. However, seeing your cute belly grow is a constant reminder of what I do not have. Unless I plan to spend my life in a cave, I have to find a way to interact with pregnant women and not get emotional. However, there are things you can do as my friend to make it easier.  Please do not complain about your pregnancy. I understand that when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort and body changes.  You have every right to vent about the discomforts to anyone else in your life, but please don't put me in the position of comforting you.  I would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I hear a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I think, "I'd gladly throw up ten times a day for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman complains about her weight gain, I think, "I would gladly gain 100 lbs to be in your shoes."  Once again, it’s okay to vent, but just understand I may not be able to comfort you like a good friend should.  

Below are some examples of the most common said phrases to women struggling with infertility.  I am listing them so that if you say them without realizing it, please watch your words.  They can hurt more than you realize….

“I’m so fertile all my husband had to do was look at me!”
“You’re young so enjoy this time without kids.”
"You've been pregnant before, so it'll happen again. Just give it time."
"It's just not in God's plan for you now."
“Maybe you're not meant to have children."
“You have enough time to have a baby”
"Maybe it’s not meant to be."
"It’s because you’re stressed!"
"Just be thankful for what you do have."
"You know why you have such a nice house? Because you don't have kids." (My personal favorite)
“Just give it time, relax & it will happen.”
“You should just stop trying and it'll happen.”
"Why don't you adopt? A lot of people who adopt get pregnant right after that!"
“You should adopt.”
“You’re thinking about it too much.”
“You're just not ready…it’s not your time.”
“Maybe you were only supposed to have one child.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
"You can have my child for a day and you will not want one." (Heard this a bagillion times)
"You're lucky you don't have any kids, you can do whatever you want!"
“You don’t understand because you aren’t a mother yet.” (This one can cut to the core)

I have written a lot about what not to say and you are probably wondering…”Well what can I say?!?” The answer is nothing.  Nothing you can say will erase the pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself because it isn't your job to erase my pain or fix my infertility problems.  That is a job I have given to Jesus. But there are some things you can do to help me cope with the pain.  For example, the best thing you can do is let me know that you care.  An example could be sending me encouraging cards. Or maybe just let me cry on your shoulder without you saying a word.  My favorite is to hear people tell me they are praying for me; when someone says they’re praying for me, it is music to my ears and the most awesome words I can hear because I know prayer has the power to change everything.   

        I’m not sure I have ever met anyone who knew the right things to say unless they had experienced infertility themselves. It can take days to get over the pain inflicted by someone’s well-meaning and sometimes spur-of-the-moment comments. The memories of some of these remarks never go away…the Bible wasn’t kidding when it said that the tongue “is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison...” The words of our mouths can inflict pain or impart comfort. Unfortunately, during infertility, most couples are recipients of words that inflict pain. People say the wrong things, all the while thinking they’re really helping or encouraging. I am hoping this blog has given you some helpful advice on how to comfort those you know struggling with infertility.


     I believe it is important for me to stress that I do not think people say or do these things out of malicious thoughts or behavior.  I truly believe people think they are helping and wanting to ease the pain or hurt but are at a loss...I just wanted to write a blog to help those who want to help but are clueless as to where to begin.

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