I believe that as Christians we are all "under construction" in many areas of our lives...whether it is loving others, forgiveness of others, forgiveness of ourselves, exercising our faith boldly and consistently...the list goes on and on. For me, I learned today I'm "under construction" in the area of PATIENCE. Not the "I can't wait for it" patience but "the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting" kind of patience.
Today (June 1st) is day 37 of my menstrual cycle. My cycles are never consistent but I always usually start no later than day 37. So when I woke up this morning and noticed my cycle had not begun I became extremely anxious. I had been having all the signs for DAYS of either pregnancy or pre menstrual symptoms. I decided to not test and try for either tomorrow or Monday morning ( I wanted to be sure I was late) but by 2:30pm I couldn't take it any longer and found the last pregnancy test I had in the house (I think I have taken 10 in the last 15 days--don't ask why..HUGE waste of money). I have never been so nervous to take a pregnancy test in my whole life...but I did and closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed hard. When I opened my eyes I saw one line. The same one line I have seen multiple times over and over for years. I was bummed but held it together for five minutes. Then that's when I crashed. For some reason this one hit harder because I had never been late before and I just knew if the test was going to be positive it would be now.
I cried out to God. I cried out for him to hold me and comfort me. But then I went from wanting to be comforted by Him to being angry at Him. I want to be clear that in these moments I never doubted His promises for me written in the Word of God. I was angry because I was tired of waiting. I was tired of suffering in the waiting. I cried and asked Him three times "WHERE ARE YOU?!?!" I was angry. I knew I needed to open the Word of God and the first place my bible opened up to was Ezekiel 36:37 ""This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Once again I will yield to Israel's plea and do this for them: I will make their people as numerous as sheep" and then I read on to chapter 37 "The Valley of Dry Bones". Through His Word he brought back life to my "dry" spiritual bones. I was spiraling downward and fast...for a moment I felt hope leaving but I ATTACHED myself to the Word and I didn't let go. God was faithful in bringing me back up to a place of hope and not anger.
I fell asleep thinking about what I had just read and when I awoke I felt better and more calm. I decided to go for a walk and three scriptures popped into my head.
- "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4 NKJV
- "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction (suffering) and faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12 (NIV)
- "But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.'" Romans 8:25 (NLT)
During these trials of me wanting it NOW I need to learn to keep a better attitude in the waiting. Remember as I said earlier, patience is not the ability to wait, it's the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting. Patience is a fruit of the spirit that manifests itself in a calm, positive attitude despite the circumstances. I definitely didn't demonstrate good patience this afternoon. I need to remain joyful and patient in all trials of my life.
I have HOPE, I know how to exercise my faith...now I just need to learn to have a better attitude while "waiting". I have repented to God for my angry behavior towards Him this afternoon and I told Him I would do better next time ;)
In my eyes, I didn't pass this test if it was a test from God. But I have learned from it and I know I will ace the next one.
Below is a link the H.O.P.E. facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/HOPE/434401456655733?ref=br_tf
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