But it was THE perfect time!

If you struggling with infertility and are like me, you come across days, holiday's, months, seasons, or special anniversary dates where you think, "This is THE perfect time! Everything points to this being the month I get pregnant!"  But then as the "perfect time" passes and our breakthrough or pregnancy doesn't happen, we are left feeling devastated and doubt starts creeping in as we begin to wonder whether or not our circumstances will ever change--because after all, the "perfect time" has just passed by.  How will there ever be another more "perfect time"?

 

I'll admit, there have been many times were I have thought, "This is the perfect time", but this month, this cycle, this time, it was different.  Everything did seem perfect and I was more than confident that this was the month I would get pregnant.  I ovulated on around calendar day 17.   WHOO HOO!  Even though I have not taken any fertility medicine in over 21 months, my body hasn't been the same ever since and I have only known of less than five times in which I ovulated.  So praise God!  The signs and symptoms of ovulation are back and I believe ovulation occurred!  Secondly, if you have read my post Sweet Dreams, you will understand why the number 17 holds so much meaning to me.  So not only were things looking "perfect" in the sense of my body finally ovulating, but I ovulated on the 17th!  (Insert happy dance)

 

Another sign that this was the "perfect time"?   The possible due date.  Usually since I never know when I ovulate, the "when is my due date" calculator is pointless and I haven't visited those sites in over a year; but with the chance of knowing when I might have conceived this cycle, I went ahead and consulted Dr. Google.  According to Dr. Google, my due date would land on or around October 17th!  Did Dr. Google just say 10-17? If you have been bored enough to read "Our Story" you would know that the number 10 also means something... In April of last year, many woman were praying for me at church and three of them heard the number 10.  I went home and Googled the Biblical meaning of the number and it means "completion of a cycle" and "not wanting".  If I was to give birth in October, it would definitely be the "completion of a cycle" and I would fo'sho "no longer be wanting."  The "perfect timing" doesn't stop there because my Daddyo's birthday is February 17th...this would be the perfect gift and perfect day and date to announce to my family that the struggle, the wait, and the anticipation is over.  So as you can see, this particular cycle was looking PERFECT!  The timing, the significance, everything, was simply perfect.

 

As if these positive dates and signs weren't enough, I also started having sore breasts and waves of nausea starting 10 days past ovulation.  I haven't had sore breasts in years!  Could this actually be happening?!  Was I actually pregnant?!  All the signs and symptoms pointed to pregnancy...that is up until that moment I went to the bathroom on Sunday...all my ideas of how it was the "perfect time" came crashing down all around me.  The next cycle had officially begun.  My "perfect time" had passed me by...so long...sayonara...adios.
It's not the first time my "perfect timing" has passed by--I have had many, but this one seemed more "perfect" than others.  It just wasn't about thinking, "Oh Christmas time would be perfect because I could announce in front of all my family I was pregnant."  Nope.  It was more than that.  Each sign, symptom, date, and number held a high significance to me.  How could God allow this opportunity for Him to flex His supernatural muscles pass by?  How could He let this "perfect time" slip through the cracks?  And then I stop and think, how could I possibly think I know when it's the "perfect time" to bring a new life into the world?  How arrogant am I?

I think about the New Testament story of Zechariah and Elizabeth who were old and still barren despite years of trying to grow their family.  How many "perfect times" passed them by?   However, having reached the age passed menopause, and children seemed like an impossibility, an angel appeared to Zechariah and announced Elizabeth would conceive a son at "the appointed time".  It wasn't their "perfect time" to become parents because their idea of that was years earlier.  It was back when they were younger and able to run, play freeze tag without getting tired in five minutes, or when he was able to wrestle on the floor without pulling a muscle.  But this story highlights that our "perfect time" is not always God's "appointed time".  

 

God has known since the beginning of my infertility journey, even from the beginning of my life, the "appointed time" for fulfilling His plan to grow my family.  The moment when I first gaze into the eyes of my baby bird is no surprise to Him.  It's already scheduled and if I could see His calendar for my life, it would be there.  Circled in red with a birthday cake drawn in the box.

Over the course of the last couple of days I have often asked myself, "Why can't now be the appointed time?"  Everything seems as though it would be the "perfect time" but it's not--it's not "perfect" according to God's plan and it's not about me or my sense of urgency.  My child has a specific place in history and God has a divine purpose for bringing my baby bird into the world at a particular moment in time to fulfill His higher purpose.  He has a plan for their life and it goes beyond making me happy or bringing them into my home in my "perfect time".

 

The question is can I wait? Can I trust God's purposefulness enough to push aside my idea of when the "perfect time" would be and instead pray for patience and peace until the appointed time?  The answer is yes!  Yes I can and I know if I do this, I will delight God who loves me and eagerly anticipates the appointed time even more than I do.  He is just as eager to watch me share the pregnancy news and then nine months later as I joyfully count each finger and each toe.

Today, I have let go of any ideas of when the "perfect time" would be, and I instead place my trust in God's "appointed time."  Ultimately, His appointed time will be the perfect time.

I can't leave this post without giving God ALL the glory for this shortened cycle.  My past five cycles have been long and each time I begin a new cycle, I am always wondering if it will be another record-breaking Longest.Cycle.Ever., but it wasn't.  God answered my prayers. I have been asked if I did anything differently this time around and I guess you could say I did, but not for fertility purposes.  One thing I did do differently this cycle was I quit taking my vitamins (prenatal, Calcium, Vitamin D, and magnesium).  It wasn't because I didn't want to, or I was experimenting, but rather because I got lazy and kept forgetting (sorry Mommers).  I don't think I have had a vitamin since Christmas time.  eek!

The second difference I made during this cycle was my Hubby and I participated in the Daniel fast at our church during the first 21 days in January...this meant no added sugar, processed foods, meat, or dairy.  We ate only veggies, fruits, and rice (it.was.rough).  I do know that women with PCOS need to watch carbs and sugar because they can have a negative effect on our reproductive hormones; therefore, one could assume my lack of carbs and added sugar might have helped shorten my cycle. With this assumption, I might start being more cautious about the food I eat...but I will not give up my pizza or tacos :)